Monday, May 28, 2007

Hilarious Things I Did In The Name of Beauty

Except for those people who have very advanced Gaydars, a layman would not know I’m gay (heck, years of practice made me quite good at hiding it). I’m not effeminate, I don’t wear any powder or gloss, no accessory that would suggest Tinkerbell and myself were related.

Truth of the matter is, I’m worry about my looks like any self-respecting queer. Here’s a testimonial from one of my friends, Mitchiko Dizon:

Thaddeus Hinunangan! Well what can I say about this person? Let me say 2 words that would describe him the best.. SHOPAHOLIC and VAIN!! But in fairness to you my friend you have good taste! If you want to know the best beauty secrets ask him, he’s the master! This guys has a lot of dreams, I mean a lot! But once he wants something really bad he would plan (as in plan!) everything just to achieve it! Just look at where he is right now!

By the way, this was written just around the time I got promoted, not when I resigned lol! Ok, so before becoming quite the beauty guru, I had a lot of disastrous experiences experimenting and learning along the way. Here are a few of them:

Getting a Tattoo to Look Sexy
Perhaps I’m regretting it now that I’m preparing to be in the medical profession, but before, it was urgent for me to get a tattoo. I thought I needed a little oomph because I was too safe and goody-goody. Plus I had this move (in my heyday) where I casually mention that I have a tattoo, then instead of lifting my sleeve (it was on my tricep) I would unbutton the front to my shirt so that my date gets to peek at my boobs LOL! And then he gets the message ; )

Double eyelids!
I saw this infomercial of Japanese people who put this glue on their lids to create a crease that makes the eyes look bigger. I improvised mine by using masking tape, which was fine until I hurried to my first period in Diliman, and the Taho vendor saying, “Sir, ano po yung nasa mga mata ninyo?” Even I couldn’t stop giggling. Guilty!

Homemade facials
I would start by putting Ponds Cond Cream, tissue it off then reapply (with matching music from my walkman, I was alone in my dorm room). Then I would use a damp Good Morning LOL! towel to methodically massage my face in circular motion. And, with Material Girl playing in the background I used a water heater to boil water in a small basin so I could steam my face. This was fine till the basin became soft and nearly melted! I had to stop and choose a simpler routine before I burn the whole boarding house in the name of beauty.

Using an exfoliant.. on my ass
I imagined my ass looking as flawless and pink as Kristine Hermosa’s face (sorry Tin!), so I bought Extraderm exfoliant number 3 and applied it “there”. After a few days I felt a bit itchy, and then I barely grazed the area when 3 cubic centimeters of skin fell off!! My heart beat so erratically, “Lord, I love my ass skin too much, please bring it back to normal!”. Lotion did the trick. Got it, never use chemical exfoliants “down there”.

Overtweezing to the point that I looked like a creature from StarTrek:Deep Space Nine
I once saw in a beauty book that one’s eyebrows should start where the nose ends (click here to see an illustration) unfortunately, that only applied to Caucasians whose noses were generally thinner. For us Pinoys, we are on the wider side. So anyway, I went ahead, and the results were my eyebrows were sooo wide apart I always looked surprised. Good thing I learned the trick with Vitamin E so it grew back quickly.

Tip: don’t try these at home ; )


l.a said...

LOL! Well mejo tama kasing gamitin ang facial exfoliant sa ass. Haha good thing bumalik sa dati ang ass mo. Good Luck! Nice blog!


Phoenix said...

Oo nga = ) Well, apparently clean & clear clarifying toner with salicylic acid works better without wrecking havoc on my fanny LOL!! hayy naku, the things i do..

l.a said... so weird :)) haha!!!

runawaycat said...

Good Morning towel is everywhere. We have them here too.

Ok I'm trying to imagine a person who looks surprised all the time. Hahahahah!


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