Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Fijarme libre!

With exception of my brother, who was not at all surprised, I haven’t really came out to anyone in my family yet. Being in a conservative, catholic family, that sort of thing is not even talked about. My sexual orientation is like a pink elephant in the room; no one is allowed to talk about it, yet everyone can see it.

It’s almost laughable how they think I’m enjoying my bachelorhood, and not getting hitched early like my brother did. They wonder sometimes when I’ll finally bring a girlfriend over. My father even went as far as giving me tips on getting a house for my “future wife” (more of these especially when he is drunk). At one point he even had three girls (who were daughters of his kumpares) come over to the house to meet with me.

That setup didn’t work out for two reasons: 1. I would never consider dating a girl, and 2. I was much prettier than any of them. I know my Mom senses it already, as much as my cousins do. They even try not to use the words “bading”, or “bakla” in my presence because they think I might get offended. I appreciate their efforts, but what I do want is to just put it all in the open- and get over it. My sexual orientation does not define me. My homosexuality had nothing to do with the grades I got in school, it did not get me hired, and certainly was not the basis of my promotions. I am a good friend, a creative individual, and a loyal confidant- all those qualities have nothing to do with my being gay.

I’m not even after acceptance. I don’t need their approval. I don’t want them worrying about me, my future, and my battles because I’ve always managed to do these things on my own. I prefer it that way, actually. Maybe what I want is just simply for them to acknowledge the fact. It seems to me that all my sufferings, my efforts in trying to excel and win respect, my feelings—I feel that they are only real to me alone. I want my family, the people closest to me, to just look me in the eye and say, “I know.” I don’t need everyone to be nice to me, but I do want them to at least understand where I am coming from.


runawaycat said...

Reason no.2: Funny!

We hear you ;)

Phoenix said...

hehe! thanks dear ; )

Anonymous said...

Hey i like this entry... i can really really relate to this! R u in mla now? just to say hi you!


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