Coming Out to a Friend

This page was borrowed from a friend's journal..
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April 19, 2001

You just wouldn't believe what I've found out today! Thad, an old high school friend, is in town for a vacation. We talked last night and he said he wanted us to meet and spend time together. It seemed liked a great idea to me. I haven't seen him for more than a year and so I agreed. He mentioned on the phone that he was "interested" in someone from Davao. I got the impression that Thad was in the process of falling in love and I was glad. Finally, my old friend has found someone he'd get emotionally involved with.

Thad and I clicked. I don't know made us both really "stick together" but I guess it had something to do with our childish ways and the way that we seem to understand each other. We were considered "babies" of the group because we were the youngest members.

It was great seeing him again and I noted some changes. He was an inch taller than I am and he gained a bit of weight. Suffice to say, he looked great.

It was several moments later after a good deal of "kumustahan" on our parts that he decided to show me pictures. I looked at some over trying to contain my excitement on finally seeing the picture of the girl who made my friend fall. I was confused, however, when I saw pictures of guys instead. Thad started talking about them telling me names and infos on the guys. Somewhere in my mind, I asked myself why he was showing me those pictures when he was supposed to be showing me his "girl," but I figured maybe these guys were his buddies from school and that Thad just wanted me to see a few of his friends.

Then he started talking about this one particular guy. I listened and observed him while he was telling me things about the guy. His eyes were twinkling. He had a silly smile on his face. And then I heard Thad say, "So, what do you think?"

I didn't know what he was asking me about. I just stared at him confusingly. And then, it dawned on me... Things finally started to clear up... His words finally started to sink in... I closed my eyes.... It couldn't be, could it?

I heard him say my name. I looked at him. I didn't quite know how to say it, how to ask him. I just stared. It was as if Thad already knew what I was asking because he said, "It's okay, Rem." I inhaled deeply and then abruptly closed my eyes. "Is he??" I asked myself.

"It's okay Rem. Really, it is." He patted my shoulder. I looked at him again. This time, with tears in my eyes! I was crying! I didn't know why I was crying about it. It could be from shock. It was a shock learning something like that unexpectedly.

"I don't know what to say..." I told Thad as I started wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Believe me, you don't have to worry. I still like girls." I heard him say with his trademark grin on his face.

We spent hours talking... I asked him if the group knew and he said I was the only one from the group who knew about it but he was planning to tell the group at a much, much later date when he thinks he is ready for it. I asked Thad why he chose me and he said it was because he knew I was open minded and that I'd understand.

Open minded meaning I won't be judgmental. Open minded meaning I'd be able to accept it, accept him, and understand him. And in more than ways than one, it was true. I was open minded about it. I didn't recoil or draw back when he told me his secret. And it isn't really my place to judge him. I don't think I have the right to do so. As long as Thad is happy then he has my full support, my love, and my friendship... always.

5 Common Misconceptions About Gay People- And Allow Me to Clear It Up For You (Ver 2)

Misconception: A mistaken thought, idea, or notion.

We are weak.

Perhaps it is the quality of being effeminate that led most people to harbor this notion. In a macho world where males have to be brutish to assert their power and dominance, any male who shows emotion or fails to throw a ball or engage in “manly activities” is inferior. It is a sad truth that many, especially people who are uneducated or those who fail to open their minds, still subscribe to this antiquated belief.

But we all know real strength is in the spirit, and gay people and members of the fairer sex alike, have demonstrated the power of determination and persistence. It is an amazing feat for young gay men, who journey through childhood and adolescence being ridiculed and criticized for their lack of masculine stance, to achieve great heights in whatever industry they choose. Overcoming such unjust treatment, which more often than not manifest feelings of confusion (“Why me? Why am I like this?), shame, and self loathing, is certainly no easy task.


We jump at every man we see.

Some straight males, especially those who had an unfortunate experience with a gay person, may tend to generalize this to the entire populace. If we follow that line of thinking, then if for example, a person of a different race or culture does something atrocious, would it be fair for us to assume that the rest of his people are inclined to do such a thing? Conduct is specific to a person!

Or this notion could simply be a huge ego stroke for straight men who believe all gay men are attracted to them. Ugh.


We are too emotional.

Once again, this is not true for all gay men. As a matter of fact, all human beings, whether man or woman, gay or straight, at some point in their lives have the capacity of harboring strong emotions. This should not be stereotyped as a “gay quality”.


We are all effeminate and love to wear women’s clothes

This may be true for gay men who cross dress, but a lot of gay men are also happy with their own looks and don’t feel the compulsion to dress and look like a woman. There are so many levels that encompass the whole spectrum: from the most effeminate to straight-acting gay men. Gayness is not defined by sheer stance and wardrobe, so this should be removed as with other erroneous notions about gay men.

We are much more immoral than straight people and will surely go to hell.

Homosexuality and Catholicism are probably the most difficult to reconcile. The bible is very specific (in the book Leviticus) that it is forbidden for a man to have sexual relations with another man. It is truly difficult to find answers to questions like: Is being gay a sin? Does God still love homosexuals? Is it an absolute that gay people not express their love and intimacy physically like a man and a woman would?

To this day, the answers still elude us. But one thing is for certain: only God, not other people can make judgments.

Are gay people much more immoral than straight people? It all certainly boils down to personal conduct. The emphasis is on refraining from making judgments; after all, we are not in a position to do so.

The Bottomline:

Sexual orientation should never be an issue. Prejudice and bigotry spring from these mistaken notions, and they should be struck from people’s minds.

FYI

Bayot, bakla, binabae, sireyna, jokla, bading, faggot, queer, and cocksucker are only a few of the degrading nicknames used to refer to gay men. Discrimination and stigma of homosexuals still exist even in today’s modern society. Here are some statements made in a school setting, of all places, about homosexuality:

“Ok la maging bayot, basta dire ka mapaopera.” (It’s ok to be gay as long as you don’t have sexual reassignment surgery)

“Homosexuality is a form of deviance.”

“The sixth dimension of wellness is sexuality. Males should act like males, females should act like females. Males who act like females or males who feel like females are more on the illness side.”

If these erroneous statements came from people who are highly educated, how much more for ordinary members of society who have barely finished secondary education? Most prejudices and mistaken notions about gay people spring from antiquated beliefs that have little to do with reality.

In ultra-conservative settings such as in the provinces, people consider gay men as passing amusements. Freakshows, actually, who are jokes and are not to be respected or taken seriously. When they learn that a person is gay, it is as if the person has lost his personhood, and should therefore not be treated as one would treat a "normal" person.

Change in the people’s perception of gay men is still possible, and it would start by correcting those mistaken notions. The following information is from the American Psychological Association (http://www.apa.org/); it answers the most common questions on sexual orientation and homosexuality.

What Is Sexual Orientation?
Sexual Orientation is an enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction to another person. It is easily distinguished from other components of sexuality including biological sex, gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female) and the social gender role (adherence to cultural norms for feminine and masculine behavior).
Sexual orientation exists along a continuum that ranges from exclusive homosexuality to exclusive heterosexuality and includes various forms of bisexuality. Bisexual persons can experience sexual, emotional and affectional attraction to both their own sex and the opposite sex. Persons with a homosexual orientation are sometimes referred to as gay (both men and women) or as lesbian (women only).
Sexual orientation is different from sexual behavior because it refers to feelings and self-concept. Persons may or may not express their sexual orientation in their behaviors.

What Causes a Person To Have a Particular Sexual Orientation?
There are numerous theories about the origins of a person's sexual orientation; most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive and biological factors. In most people, sexual orientation is shaped at an early age. There is also considerable recent evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play a significant role in a person's sexuality. In summary, it is important to recognize that there are probably many reasons for a person's sexual orientation and the reasons may be different for different people.

Is Sexual Orientation a Choice?
No, human beings can not choose to be either gay or straight. Sexual orientation emerges for most people in early adolescence without any prior sexual experience. Although we can choose whether to act on our feelings, psychologists do not consider sexual orientation to be a conscious choice that can be voluntarily changed.
Can Therapy Change Sexual Orientation?
No. Even though most homosexuals live successful, happy lives, some homosexual or bisexual people may seek to change their sexual orientation through therapy, sometimes pressured by the influence of family members or religious groups to try and do so. The reality is that homosexuality is not an illness. It does not require treatment and is not changeable.
However, not all gay, lesbian, and bisexual people who seek assistance from a mental health professional want to change their sexual orientation. Gay, lesbian, and bisexual people may seek psychological help with the coming out process or for strategies to deal with prejudice, but most go into therapy for the same reasons and life issues that bring straight people to mental health professionals.

What About So-Called "Conversion Therapies"?
Some therapists who undertake so-called conversion therapy report that they have been able to change their clients' sexual orientation from homosexual to heterosexual. Close scrutiny of these reports however show several factors that cast doubt on their claims. For example, many of the claims come from organizations with an ideological perspective which condemns homosexuality. Furthermore, their claims are poorly documented. For example, treatment outcome is not followed and reported overtime as would be the standard to test the validity of any mental health intervention.
The American Psychological Association is concerned about such therapies and their potential harm to patients. In 1997, the Association's Council of Representatives passed a resolution reaffirming psychology's opposition to homophobia in treatment and spelling out a client's right to unbiased treatment and self-determination. Any person who enters into therapy to deal with issues of sexual orientation has a right to expect that such therapy would take place in a professionally neutral environment absent of any social bias.

Is Homosexuality a Mental Illness or Emotional Problem?
No. Psychologists, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals agree that homosexuality is not an illness, mental disorder or an emotional problem. Over 35 years of objective, well-designed scientific research has shown that homosexuality, in and itself,is not associated with mental disorders or emotional or social problems. Homosexuality was once thought to be a mental illness because mental health professionals and society had biased information. In the past the studies of gay, lesbian and bisexual people involved only those in therapy, thus biasing the resulting conclusions. When researchers examined data about these people who were not in therapy, the idea that homosexuality was a mental illness was quickly found to be untrue.
In 1973 the American Psychiatric Association confirmed the importance of the new, better designed research and removed homosexuality from the official manual that lists mental and emotional disorders. Two years later, the American Psychological Association passed a resolution supporting the removal. For more than 25 years, both associations have urged all mental health professionals to help dispel the stigma of mental illness that some people still associate with homosexual orientation.

Can Lesbians, Gay Men, and Bisexuals Be Good Parents?
Yes. Studies comparing groups of children raised by homosexual and by heterosexual parents find no developmental differences between the two groups of children in four critical areas: their intelligence, psychological adjustment, social adjustment, and popularity with friends. It is also important to realize that a parent's sexual orientation does not dictate his or her children's.
Another myth about homosexuality is the mistaken belief that gay men have more of a tendency than heterosexual men to sexually molest children. There is no evidence to suggest that homosexuals are more likely than heterosexuals to molest children.

Why Do Some Gay Men, Lesbians and Bisexuals Tell People About Their Sexual Orientation?
Because sharing that aspect of themselves with others is important to their mental health. In fact, the process of identity development for lesbians, gay men and bisexuals called "coming out", has been found to be strongly related to psychological adjustment—the more positive the gay, lesbian, or bisexual identity, the better one's mental health and the higher one's self-esteem.

Why Is the "Coming Out" Process Difficult for Some Gay, Lesbian and Bisexual People?
For some gay and bisexual people the coming out process is difficult, for others it is not. Often lesbian, gay and bisexual people feel afraid, different, and alone when they first realize that their sexual orientation is different from the community norm. This is particularly true for people becoming aware of their gay, lesbian, or bisexual orientation as a child or adolescent, which is not uncommon. And, depending on their families and where they live, they may have to struggle against prejudice and misinformation about homosexuality. Children and adolescents may be particularly vulnerable to the deleterious effects of bias and stereotypes. They may also fear being rejected by family, friends,co-workers, and religious institutions. Some gay people have to worry about losing their jobs or being harassed at school if their sexual orientation became well known. Unfortunately, gay, lesbian and bisexual people are at a higher risk for physical assault and violence than are heterosexuals. Studies done in California in the mid 1990s showed that nearly one-fifth of all lesbians who took part in the study and more than one-fourth of all gay men who participated had been the victim of a hate crime based on their sexual orientation. In another California study of approximately 500 young adults, half of all the young men participating in the study admitted to some form of anti-gay aggression from name-calling to physical violence.

What Can Be Done to Overcome the Prejudice and Discrimination the Gay Men, Lesbians, and Bisexuals Experience?
Research has found that the people who have the most positive attitudes toward gay men, lesbians and bisexuals are those who say they know one or more gay, lesbian or bisexual person well—often as a friend or co-worker. For this reason, psychologists believe negative attitudes toward gay people as a group are prejudices that are not grounded in actual experiences but are based on stereotypes and prejudice.
Furthermore, protection against violence and discrimination is very important, just as it is for other minority groups. Some states include violence against an individual on the basis of his or her sexual orientation as a "hate crime" and 10 U.S. states have laws against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

Why is it Important for Society to be Better Educated About Homosexuality?
Educating all people about sexual orientation and homosexuality is likely to diminish anti-gay prejudice. Accurate information about homosexuality is especially important to young people who are first discovering and seeking to understand their sexuality—whether homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual. Fears that access to such information will make more people gay have no validity—information about homosexuality does not make someone gay or straight.

Are All Gay and Bisexual Men HIV Infected?
No. This is a commonly held myth. In reality, the risk of exposure to HIV is related to a person's behavior, not their sexual orientation. What's important to remember about HIV/AIDS is it is a preventable disease through the use of safe sex practices and by not using drugs.

The author remains hopeful, in seeing changes in people’s attitudes toward homosexuality. People don’t even need a lot of scientific mumbo-jumbo to help them understand the plight of gay men, they only need to put themselves in the shoes of those who are oppressed and discriminated upon. Change takes time, but hopefully it has already begun to take place.

What it Feels Like for a Girl

My friend CT was a thesis mate in college. Before we met in Diliman as batchmates, she already earned a Bachelor's Degree in UST. She was instantly among my favorites in our batch (I have no idea, but I rarely hung out with people my age- I guess I wanted to learn from the older ones); when we were not working on some design project we spent hours and hours talking and debating.

I was always curious about lesbians. Like most people, the picture that comes to mind is a butch lady with hair cut like a man's, masculine clothes and masculine mannerisms. But looks aside, I've always wondered if they experienced the same ridicule as gay men. I decided to phone CT and told her I wanted to interview her on the topic of gay issues. The questions explored her experiences as a young girl, her romantic relationships, gay role models, thoughts on marriage and having kids, and what she thought was the biggest misconception about gay people.

She is quite a spitfire (that's partly how we won Best Thesis!) so I was expecting a lot. Instead, when I opened my mail today I got this e-mail from her:

thad,

i guess you already know most of the things about me. and like you, i have not told my family about my sexual orientation. i know they could very well see it and i don’t need to burden them with the truth. You very well know the steep price of truth and with my parents getting sickly, i'd keep it to myself na lang. besides, i am not like other gays because i don't hang out with them nor do i have role models to speak of. on top of that, my built in "self regulatory board" would not allow me to just do it with anybody just because i feel it or because a girl's flirting with me or because i could not get them pregnant anyway. after my first relationship - which you knew, i haven't dated yet. its weird because i embraced my being catholic and being gay at the same time kaya siguro mahihirapan ako maghanap ng partner. so i think i am not a good source of information. i mean, i'll tell you my thoughts about this being gay when i have collected my thoughts on life, God, being human and being gay. email you later ma'am. i enjoyed your blogsite.

Most Popular Reactions to my Coming Out, Documented

Shock. Primarily because not only did I come out, but I showed all the dimensions of gay life in this blog. I guess for conservative people that may be a little too much information to digest in one day. Nevertheless, it was surely effective having elicited a lot of reactions like this. I understand it takes time for everything to sink in. Dismay. For some people who "looked up to me" (or the "straight" me), their faces somewhat looked dismayed. As if my orientation in one way or another has crushed the squeaky-clean image of me. All I have to say is that way before becoming "Kuya Thad" I was already the Thad who went out on dates with interesting guys. I merely revealed this side of me to finally put a stop to why-don't-you-have-a-girlfriend questions, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still me. All other facets of my personality remained the same, for those who wished I should've just kept this part of me hidden, try being in my shoes and you'll see.
Disgust. Holier-than-thou people had this reaction. Their saintly personas must not be tarnished with the likes of me. Not a problem for me..
Deadma. Well, I've got to hand it to them. Maybe sexual orientation was just never an issue, or perhaps they simply knew already.
"It's OK." I'm glad a lot of people are mature and empathic- I'm certainly grateful. This makes the whole process a lot easier ; )
Applause. I would do the same for anyone who comes out or overcomes a difficult task.. Heck, it's not easy and you definitely need to be commended!
Lastly, I would like to share a message sent to me by one of my schoolmates (actually a former lab-partner in Inorganic Chem):

kuya!!
grabe ka!!! i almost cried... i'm in total shock! idol talaga kita,it takes a lot of courage to do what you did!!!!haaaaaa!!!!nalurong talaga aq!!!nice kuya itaas mo ang bandera niyo! mapa member aq ha iyo! ipapabasa ko ha akon mga friends especially ha may makikitid na pagiisip! kuya cool blog site!!!ever!!!!

Regardless of the reactions.. I'm happy- it was certainly a relief to finally be just myself. Thanks guys!

Should I Come Out To Mom? Comments on my Favorite MGG Post

The stories of gay people are quite similar regardless of nationality or culture. I'm about to share a post from Migs' blog on coming out to one's mother- the post has generated quite a buzz and there were a lot of interesting responses. I was about to leave a comment on MGG but my browser always encounters a problem when I'm trying to submit, so I decided to write it here instead.

Note: The original post is in blue font, the selected comments in red.

So Gibbs texted me one day, inviting me to join a dinner date with 2 other bloggers. One was Anthony, a closeted gay guy (majority of his blog readers do not know he’s as fairy as the Fairy Godmother), and the other was Mira, a fine lady of regal bearing, and belonging to the senior citizenry. At first I thought it was such an awkward mix, but boy was I wrong!
Like a diesel engine, the dinner conversation started cold and for the first several minutes, I was just listening to the three bloggers talk about many varied things. Until I felt the need to spruce the conversation up a bit. I focused on Mira, and asked, “Since you’re from a different generation, I am very interested to hear your thoughts on gay people.”
Silence.
Then she most carefully said, “One of my sons is gay.”I knew from then on that the conversation just shifted to high emotional gear. And it was not just for her, but for me as well.
After an almost apologetic confession about her feeling of disappointment when she learned that his son was gay, she followed it up with the explanation that the source of such disappointment was her motherly concern for his well-being. She said that the world, however liberated it has become, is still cruel to gay people. She cited one concrete incident where her son was discriminated on in the university where he studied. It became a formal discrimination case in the university; fortunately, Mira and her son’s side won. “I really worry for his happiness.”
Not without excited prodding from Gibbs and myself, Mira continued to share how she learned that her son was gay. “When he was in high school, I asked him point-blank, ‘Anak, are you gay?’ to which he replied, ‘I don’t know, Ma.’ Had he denied it, I would have been more suspicious; but his ‘I don’t know’ gave me some hope that maybe it was really just a phase.”
But was it? “During his college years, he introduced me to a friend of his. They were very close, too close in my opinion. Then I saw among his things a letter from this friend — too sweet for being ‘just friends’ so I thought that it may not be just a phase after all.”
“Since he was young, I would repeatedly tell him, ‘Anak, you are my best product.’ So when he finally came out to me, confirming my long-time suspicion, he asked me: ‘Ma, am I still your best product?’”
This is where I, after listening very intently to Mira, finally was not able to hold back my tears. I remembered my mom whom I love so very dearly. She, like Mira to his son, told me since I was young, that I was her best product. I get embarrassed whenever she tells everyone, relatives and her friends, how I took on from her my natural smarts, confident bearing, and amiable attitude. As Mira continued talking, I saw my Mom in her person, and thought to myself, she may be going through the same internal struggles and unnecessary worry. (I am not out to Mommy and to the rest of our family, but I am sure they know.) I emphatically told Mira, as I would imagine telling my mom, she shouldn’t be worrying too much. Mom’s done a hell of a great job in raising me up as a good and able person — that I am confident I can hack whatever discrimination or cruelty comes my way. What is important to me is to relieve my mom of her unnecessary worry.
And as the evening of insightful conversation with my fellow bloggers came to a close, it left me with a lingering question. Should I come out to Mommy? Would it actually help in relieving her of her worries about me?

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eponine Says:
My mom has been through a lot. My eldest straight brother is into drugs; my second closeted brother has come out to me and my sister. Now this puts on a lot of pressure to me not to come out. The last thing I want to do in this world is to break Mama’s heart (only the cruelest man will do that). I know she has sensed it in me. But I have decided not to come out to her. I don’t want her thinking where she’d gone wrong, because she is a very great mom.

my yellow shirt mended Says:
I wish I could say something positive. I came out but its all about tolerance with my mom and I.
Yes she knows.
but you know what? It was my dad and still my dad that plays my heart when I told him, ” Nakipag sex na ako.”
“Babae ba?”
” Ok sana yun, pero di eh.”
” anak ingat ka. Marami dyan pera lang ang habol sa mga katulad mo.”
” Opo dad. Di kayo galit?”
” Di eh, kasi mahal kita.”
And until now, even if things are bad all over. I remember, my dad loves me.

What I have to say:

I love my Mom. She has been more like a ka-barkada to me (we talk about her hair, shoes, interior design, cooking, etc.), I've always been independent and made my own decisions and she has always stood by me. I remember the time after college when I "ran away" from home (long story), my father was quite stern and he cut off his financial support. I was, of course, stubborn and I was determined to get a job and make it on my own. My Mom gently persuaded me to go home to Tacloban but I told her firmly that I had to do this to prove something to myself. I never would have been coerced anyway, but I did appreciate my Mom's respecting my decision. Months later, I did get decent employment; I fixed things up with my old man and proudly told my Mom about my new job, much to her delight.

I can totally understand eponine's (1st comment) sentiments. Not that my siblings had issues or anything, but I just don't want to add anymore worries or problems for her. Whatever difficulties or struggles I go through, I think I can handle them on my own. I prefer to leave things the way they are.. Like Mira, I bet she would be burdened with worry- whether I'd be happy or if someone will be with me when I grow old.. I do not have the answers to these questions, but I certainly would not want her to spend her time searching the answers for me.

What my yellow mended shirt's dad said was touching: .."Di eh, kasi mahal kita." I doubt if this is what my dad would say- he'd probably kick my ass or something. Being the eldest son, I bet he had high expectations, and it's going to take a looong time before he accepts this. I never bothered to come clean- it would just bring trouble. I still continue to hope though, that one day, I see it in his eyes- a look that says "I know, and it's ok."

Post-emancipation

Craziness aside, I’m actually quite pleased of what this blog has accomplished so far. I came out (which was the primary purpose), I met a lot of interesting blog buddies (you guys know who you are ; ) I was able to say what I had to say, had good site traffic (3,876 views in 23 days), and was able to interact with other gay bloggers (Legends in my book- I've always browsed MGG and Misterhubs way before I started blogging). After my friend Mark published a letter I wrote in his blog, I thought, why not create mine?

I’m almost at my 100th post (wonder why that is significant for me?) and I have to say I’ve had a blast! Some of my posts were a bit serious, some catty, some silly, some sad, some paying tribute to the people I admire, and some with typos (yikes!). I’ve had good and bad feedback, compliments and insults thrown my way- and I’m still here.

When I started this, I’ve always envisioned it to be a tool that would give a perspective of the life of a typical gay person (I know there are a lot of us, and we are all different, but this will be a start for them). I think one of the reasons why most people fail to give the respect gay people are entitled to, is because they have very limited knowledge. They fail to see that there are a lot more sides to us than our sexual orientation. I bet few of them are aware of the difficulty of coming out, the weariness of being the subject of ridicule for being effeminate, or the frustration of not being able to experience the regular things in life like getting married or having a kid.

From my experience, here in the province, if you are 14 and gay, even if you have the best grades or even if you are a good son, all they will see is a Bayot. (Visayan term for a gay man) That’s how they will identify you, and that’s how they will think of you till you prove that you are more than that.

I recently invited some straight teenagers to view my blog (you’ve got to hand it to me to be that tenacious), and the responses I got were similar- First they were surprised I was gay, second, they said it was a gutsy thing to do to come out, and third, that they learned new things about gay people. Who knew there were Parloristas and Pamintas? These are certainly not taught in the classroom.

School starts in a few days for me, and the number of entries I publish will definitely lessen. I’m happy with my new-found freedom and I hope that you (whoever is reading this) will also have the courage to be your most authentic self. I still have a lot to learn, but it sure is fun being able to share my experiences with a lot of you. Till my next post! ; )

How Homophobic Are You?

When a rainbow-garbed trannie sits beside you, you think:
a. Ay! We are the world! Miss Kenya and drama nya!
b. It’s ok, it doesn’t bother me.
c. Shit, I gotta move elsewhere.

You hear Madonna’s catchy new hit on the radio, you:
a. Dance like there’s no tomorrow, and worry about what the perfect outfit to go with the theme of the song.
b. Bop your head to the beat!
c. Turn it off, too girly.

One of your schoolmates just came out, you think:
a. Bongga!
b. Pat the person on the back- hey, that takes courage to do.
c. Stay away from this guy, he might infect you with it.

An openly gay athlete wins a match at basketball, you:
a. Cheer loudly!
b. Congratulate him.
c. Curse and spit, how come that faggot won?

An effeminate schoolmate moves in your dorm. You:
a. Make room for him.
b. Welcome him.
c. Dress inside the bathroom, hey he is probably checking your butt out everytime.

You observe a slight effeminate quality in an old friend from high school, you:
a. Catch up on all the gossip.
b. Don’t really mind.
c. Tell him, “magpaka-lalaki ka nga”

An openly gay, bitchy, brilliant officemate becomes your supervisor, you think:
a. Keri! This is gonna be fun!
b. I think we’ll get along.
c. If he gives me extra work, I’ll beat his sissy ass. How did he get that job? I do a lot better work than that fag.

Results:

If you answered mostly A's: Honey, welcome to the club!! You'll get your kit in two to three weeks ; ) Have fun with it and don't let people get you down!

If you answered mostly B's: Bravo! One doesn't need to be gay to understand the plight of gay people. You are empathic; you also know every person deserves respect and you give it to them. We need more people like you = )

If you answered mostly C's: Go back to the jungle, Tarzan. What you are doing is wrong, and you know it. Get some education.

Can do!

From Alexander the Great to Leonardo daVinci, Sandra Bernhard to Harvey Fierstein, Boy Abunda to Rajo Laurel- there are more successful gay people than there are stars in the sky. Alexander was once ruler of a vast empire and DaVinci was arguably the most influential artist during the Renaissance.

Whether it is politics, show business, sports, art, architecture, the academe, law, or medicine there hasn’t been any territory gay people haven’t conquered. I can mention a few role models that have personally made an impact on me.

I first met Sir Honrado Fernandez when I was a freshman at the College of Architecture in UP Diliman. He was the Dean of College at that time, and quite a dynamic one at that. He was more than an Architect. He was an artist, a sculptor, and a mentor. He was an inspiration to everyone- students and faculty alike; he was also a cheerful person who could make people smile with his quips. He passed away a couple of years ago, but remains an icon at the College to this day.

My friend BC (sorry, he wants to remain discreet) is a lawyer and is also from UP. He was always ready with an answer every time I had legal questions- mostly about office policies and labor questions (I didn’t commit murder or anything!). When you are young and stupid (like I was) you certainly need to look up to someone and he was the guy I wanted to be. Thankfully, that didn’t happen. LOL! I simply grew up to be a much wiser version of me.

My cousin C (another closeted gay man) has always been a family man. He didn’t have a wife or children of his own but he did put his mother and his siblings first. I admire him because he is an upright person, though not exceedingly brilliant, he has succeeded in improving their lives. C was once a working student in the 80’s (their family could not afford to send him to College), he managed to finish and get a respectable job in a bank. Hats off to you!

Perhaps majority still think gay men belong in beauty parlors (no offense to those who work in one). People need to stop stereotyping- people in the LGBT (Lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transsexual) community are just as talented, smart, and innovative as the next straight person.

Our humanity precedes sexuality- in the womb, before you get washed with Testosterone or Estrogen, first you are a human embryo. Human, therefore worthy of respect. Moreover, our sexuality does not encompass who we are- just a part of it. We are sons, daughters, aunts, uncles, good friends, citizens of this country, churchgoers, and professionals.

Yes people, we can become productive and relevant members of society.

Fijarme libre!

With exception of my brother, who was not at all surprised, I haven’t really came out to anyone in my family yet. Being in a conservative, catholic family, that sort of thing is not even talked about. My sexual orientation is like a pink elephant in the room; no one is allowed to talk about it, yet everyone can see it.

It’s almost laughable how they think I’m enjoying my bachelorhood, and not getting hitched early like my brother did. They wonder sometimes when I’ll finally bring a girlfriend over. My father even went as far as giving me tips on getting a house for my “future wife” (more of these especially when he is drunk). At one point he even had three girls (who were daughters of his kumpares) come over to the house to meet with me.

That setup didn’t work out for two reasons: 1. I would never consider dating a girl, and 2. I was much prettier than any of them. I know my Mom senses it already, as much as my cousins do. They even try not to use the words “bading”, or “bakla” in my presence because they think I might get offended. I appreciate their efforts, but what I do want is to just put it all in the open- and get over it. My sexual orientation does not define me. My homosexuality had nothing to do with the grades I got in school, it did not get me hired, and certainly was not the basis of my promotions. I am a good friend, a creative individual, and a loyal confidant- all those qualities have nothing to do with my being gay.

I’m not even after acceptance. I don’t need their approval. I don’t want them worrying about me, my future, and my battles because I’ve always managed to do these things on my own. I prefer it that way, actually. Maybe what I want is just simply for them to acknowledge the fact. It seems to me that all my sufferings, my efforts in trying to excel and win respect, my feelings—I feel that they are only real to me alone. I want my family, the people closest to me, to just look me in the eye and say, “I know.” I don’t need everyone to be nice to me, but I do want them to at least understand where I am coming from.

Looking Forward to the Day I Could Love Someone Like That

I will not be writing so much for this post, except a short introduction. I found this beautiful post from a great, great blog called Life Funtastique. Click on the link to see the webpage.

Last night N, my partner, asked me whether I still love him.
And he sounded really serious because this was when we were just having our nightly ritual of “talking” like very old couple, hugging our donnas before going to sleep. I stopped a little bit from putting on my moisturizers. And I kept silent for awhile to keep him guessing. Not answering his question.
Well, we talk a lot about the day’s work, our projects, our house, the future and the past, everything and anything! We talk like lovers, old friend and sometimes enemy, bitches, and just old and tired queens.

And then the “question”.
Living for almost six years now is like living forever. There were ups and downs in our relationship. There were a hundred times when I want to call it quits. For a thousand and different reasons and whims. And I know it is true with him too. But then we talk it out. And we talk a lot. And we cleared the air. We forgive and forget. And we go on.

I think I have changed. And I think N has too. We were not the same persons we were when we first met. And the word LOVE has taken on different colors, different meaning, some attachments, maybe depths, images and connotations. And as we changed, that word LOVE has changed as well. A lot.

Being the younger person, I tend to be whimsical. Sometimes unreasonable. But N could be very juvenile too. And his anger really gets into me. Our imperfections, our moods and limitations are all in play in the constant battle in the game called LOVE and commitment.
And back to that “question”.

So I remembered a poem that really hit me and became my torch song when confronted with this wall.
It was borrowed/used by my brother in his wedding five years ago. I found the poem really powerful… somewhat very juvenile, selfish and yet very mature and loving, so cold and yet so passionate. Like sunshine, fire and rain and storm combined!
And even as I read it today, it still rings the same flavor and strong emotions as it had on me years ago.
And I thought, this is me.
My kind of love.
My soul.
And the answer to N’s question.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda
I want you to know one thing.
You know how this is: if I look at the crystal moon, at the red branch of the slow autumn at my window, if I touch near the fire the impalpable ash or the wrinkled body of the log, everything carries me to you, as if everything that exists, aromas, light, metals, were little boats that sail toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now, if little by little you stop loving me I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly you forget me do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad, the wind of banners that passes through my life,and you decide to leave me at the shoreof the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land.
But if each day, each hour, you feel that you are destined for me with implacable sweetness, if each day a flower climbs up to your lips to seek me, ah my love, ah my own, in me all that fire is repeated, in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten, my love feeds on your love, beloved,and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine
x x x

Pick Me Up

We’ve all been there. I once had just received a 40K+ paycheck for two weeks worth of work plus the delayed prorated salary increase, had great friends, just moved in to my first apartment, and I’ve been seeing a cutie.. Yet my mood sagged lower than an 80 year old’s boobs. Perhaps those are just days when you realize what you wanted wasn’t really what would made you happy. Or maybe I missed my folks. Or maybe “meron” lang ako nun. (hehe!)

For those days when we feel a little under the weather we need some cheering up. Loud friends and fun night outs help, but let me suggest some things you can do.

Shake the Dust Off
Maybe you carry too much baggage (past relationships, broken friendships, holding a grudge against someone) and its time to put those on the trash chute. If that doesn’t do it, confront what’s bothering you so you can deal with it and move on.

Losing it, In My Terms
During the time my parent’s marriage was on the rocks, I took most of the impact. I played mediator, not only to Mama and Papa but to the warring sides of their families. My solution? During the height of it all, I would leave the house at 6:30am (so I would avoid a confrontation with my Dad) Eat all my meals at school, and go home at 11:30pm, hammered. I’m not endorsing alcohol here, but let me explain: I am a very controlled person who always did the right thing and always got good grades.. It was simply too much for me to deal with all those and have the discipline I had. So I let go of my control (I told myself It’s human to blow a fuse once in a while) on one condition: I don’t mess up my grades. Well, I did let go that week but learned other ways to cope (see below), for the record I still had a 1.73 GWA during that sem.

Have a Little Faith
After my Karen Walker phase, I started going to church again. My approach this time was to tone down the crazy and pray a little bit more. I did feel a lot peaceful when I attended the 5:30 mass everyday after class. I was able to study pretty well for the midterms and I was less angry and snappish when Papa and I had another episode.

Put it in Perspective
Whatever it is can’t be that bad. Some people in Somalia have bigger problems than you. So stop whining, take a deep breath and do something productive.

5 Common Misconceptions About Gay People—and Allow Me to Clear it up For You

Misconception: A mistaken thought, idea, or notion.


We are weak.

Wrong. Maybe it’s the fact that some of us show emotion so readily or cry in public easily, or maybe the fact that some of us cannot throw a ball- people see us as weak. Well, listen to this: If we were weak, how come after years of ridicule and spite from people and their dogs, we manage to survive? Better yet, how come a lot of gay people make it to the top ranks, rising against overwhelming odds? Maybe it’s the persistence or determination; or maybe it is just because we are sick of being walked all over.

We jump at every man we see.

Are you kidding me with this? Maybe its an ego trip or what, how come a lot of low-life men assume that we are ready to throw ourselves at their feet because they are men? Hello!! I have a penis too! LOL! There’s nothing you have that I don’t have. Ever heard of Quality Control? We implement them, and creeps don’t make the cut.

We are too emotional.

Some of us maybe so, but not all. Everyone, man or woman, gay or straight may feel strong emotions. What is in question is how one acts on it. Do not stereotype that as a “gay quality”.

We are all effeminate and love to wear women’s clothes.

Wrong again. You have probably met our cross dressing sisters- lovely aren’t they? But that does NOT encompass the whole of the gay population. You would not believe, but I met manly married men (yes, married to women) wanting to get some man-time on the side.

We are much more immoral than straight people and will surely go to hell.

I’m sorry, I must have missed something. Are you God? Because the last time I recall it is He who makes the judgments. There are moral straight men and women and immoral straight men and women. Also we have moral gay men and women and immoral gay men and women. It all boils down to personal conduct and faith, regardless of sexual orientation. Again, emphasis on refraining from judging gay people, let us leave that to God, shall we?

The Bottomline:

SEXUAL ORIENTATION SHOULD NEVER BE AN ISSUE, as much as race, gender, and social status. These should never be basis for discrimination. Period.

600 Hits, 36 Articles, and a Lot of Fulfillment in 6 Days

First things first. I know you are wondering what Eric McCormack's pic is doing next to mine. As I was sending invites and e-mails to people, wanting them to check this page so that it would help with my "second coming-out" (hehe nice term huh?), I had a lot of responses.

One in particular was from my brother. He said it was ok for me to me gay, as long as I don't go trannie or something. Perhaps a drag queen is what some people imagine when hear the word "gay". Eric's picture represents Will Truman, his character on Will & Grace. Will is a successful lawyer, good looking, sophisticated, sensible, and perhaps a little catty sometimes. That's what I want to be! Well, not a lawyer exactly but a person with substance and intelligence, and one who doesn't necessarily wear a dress.

Pamintas vs. Parloristas

The gay universe is simply much, much more complex than what straight had thought.. Nowadays, we cannot just say "gay" or "straight"- we have bisexuals, "curious" straight people (read: pumapatol), transexuals, and even a lot of "subspecies" under the gay category. Two of these are the Pamintas (Pa-Mhin, or straight-acting) and the Parloristas (the more flamboyant, make-up wearing divas). Let us read through the article I found at Lastresestrellas blog:

The Parloristas: Mga bading na obvious. Not necessarily a cross-dresser pero mostly colorful ang wardrobe (and sometimes couture na ang dating). Di nahihiyang mag make-up in public. Maingay at rampadora ala Kate Moss pero mas bongga nga lang. Tarush!

Type na Papa: Playboy, este Palaboy na Macho (as in Alfred-Vargas-Macho). Not the type na mahilig mag-dyogdyogan sa mga Pamintas.

President: John Lapus.

The Pamintas: Syems bading din pero straight-acting naman. Discreet daw. Malalim ang boses ng karamihan (na medyo pilit na ang datech kung minsan). May division pa sila: One is the “out Type” and the other is the “Closeted Ones”. Divash? Vungga! Parang Organization talagah. Mostly mga gym buff sila. Palakihan ng katawan ang drama.

Type na Papa: their fellow pamintas. Exclusive ang mga gagah!

President: Piolo Pascual.

Personally, I'm happy the way I look- I mean, I don't want to wear dresses and all that. I am quite discreet so maybe that's why I lean more towards being Paminta. (More power to our President LOL!) Don't get me wrong, I looove gayspeak. If you read through some of the articles here (the one's where I criticize) super okray to the max ang lola nyoh! Just kidding. See? I can sound parlorista!

Probably my point is this: stop categorizing people (the gay and lesbian community, in particular)! Stereotypes and the stigma that comes with it should be history. We are people endowed with our own thinking, so let us learn to respect the variety and diversity of people. So, pamintas vs. parloristas? Ladies, its a tie!!