Monday, June 18, 2007

What it Feels Like for a Girl

My friend CT was a thesis mate in college. Before we met in Diliman as batchmates, she already earned a Bachelor's Degree in UST. She was instantly among my favorites in our batch (I have no idea, but I rarely hung out with people my age- I guess I wanted to learn from the older ones); when we were not working on some design project we spent hours and hours talking and debating.
I was always curious about lesbians. Like most people, the picture that comes to mind is a butch lady with hair cut like a man's, masculine clothes and masculine mannerisms. But looks aside, I've always wondered if they experienced the same ridicule as gay men. I decided to phone CT and told her I wanted to interview her on the topic of gay issues. The questions explored her experiences as a young girl, her romantic relationships, gay role models, thoughts on marriage and having kids, and what she thought was the biggest misconception about gay people.
She is quite a spitfire (that's partly how we won Best Thesis!) so I was expecting a lot. Instead, when I opened my mail today I got this e-mail from her:

i guess you already know most of the things about me. and like you, i have not told my family about my sexual orientation. i know they could very well see it and i don’t need to burden them with the truth. You very well know the steep price of truth and with my parents getting sickly, i'd keep it to myself na lang. besides, i am not like other gays because i don't hang out with them nor do i have role models to speak of. on top of that, my built in "self regulatory board" would not allow me to just do it with anybody just because i feel it or because a girl's flirting with me or because i could not get them pregnant anyway. after my first relationship - which you knew, i haven't dated yet. its weird because i embraced my being catholic and being gay at the same time kaya siguro mahihirapan ako maghanap ng partner. so i think i am not a good source of information. i mean, i'll tell you my thoughts about this being gay when i have collected my thoughts on life, God, being human and being gay. email you later ma'am. i enjoyed your blogsite.



I kinda understand how she feels. I still struggle to understand how I can be gay and at the same time, a follower of Christ. I know this is un-PC to say but the Bible is quite clear about homosexuality. But at the same time, I know God made me into who I am, a gay guy. So, right now, I'm still searching for answers. Maybe your friend is too.

Phoenix said...

@ Misterhubs: I've read articles on Homosexuality and Catholicsm, and they did not answer my questions. They say being gay is fine, as long as one does not "lie with another man".. So do they expect us all to be celebate? So that we can be clean in their eyes? I think it is ultimately between God and me. This reminds me of my last Confession- or the Confession that never happened. It was during a retreat and I told the priest I slept with men in the past, and if ever I have a relationship again I might do it. It would be a great hypocrisy on my part if I ask for forgiveness, then do it again later on. Ewan, it's just hard to reconcile.

Phoenix said...

I was a little surprised at the tone of her letter.. She's sort of a fighter, and like me, would stand up if necessary for what I believe in. Seems to be that instead of working for change in the perception (and treatment) of gay people, she succumbed to the pressures (she doesn't want to give anymore stress to sickly parents, etc) and tried to "fit in" what society dictated a gay person should be.. That's just an opinion, of course. What I want is for me to define my relationship with God, and not other people should prescribe it for me. Regarding family, wouldn't it be great if they loved you exactly because of who you are? Parang ayoko may tinatago.. I also believe there is a right time for that.

badinggerzie said...

this is a sad (but true) tale. though, i cannot really relate to it 'coz personally i'm not a devout Christian. haven't stepped in church for quite a while (5 years tops). siguro naman, looking at the tone of her letter, its not naman her being a devout Catholic -- that made her so "un"her as you've said . . maybe perhaps .. ther'r a lot of factors that lead to that. "mellowed down a bit" - perfectly describes her.

oh well. maybe she's happy that way!

whatever it is . . i wish both of you . . . eternal HAPPYNESS = eternal GAYness . . .


Phoenix said...

@ badinggerzie: Thanks for visiting my blog ; ) I really loved the gayspeak na nasa blog mo = ) feeling ko kailangan ko ng tutorials lol!


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