Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Between Nowhere and Goodbye

I swear, this will be the last rant of my adult life.

I just got back from enrollment today and I’m clutching my grade sheet in my right hand. The lowest grade was 1.9 and the highest 1.0, overall GWA 1.58. I should be happy, really but somehow I feel just… lost. That’s the word I was looking for.

I’ve always felt it was like a step back to study again full time, but I promised myself last year I’d give it a chance and soon I’ll reap the fruits of my labor. No one promised a career change would be easy. Not that it’s hard; it’s just that I usually stop and ask myself… where is this going? And I honestly don’t have the answer.

If Tacloban is one big airport, I’m still in the pre-departure area and it’s been an eternity waiting in line. Where’s the plane to take me to my destination? Give me a telescope so I can at least see a glimpse. Nobody can give me answers, not even my parents- I know that. Only time will tell. I have never vocalized these thoughts and when someone asks I always have my I’m-happy-where-I-am speech on cue (complete with a beatific, serene smile).

What a whiner, you say. I know, I know. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be given a chance to study and I should be thankful. I know I should have faith and trust God with His plans for me but…

I just don’t see it. Give me a clue, a sign. Send me a moth, or some sort of omen. Another grueling 31 unit-semester is about to start, complete with Biochem and Microbiology and I want to just pull my hair. Where is this going? I’ve read the Purposeful Life and all that stuff, I love my family, and I know I’m doing this for them as well as for myself but right now I’m just lost. I feel like I’m on a standstill.

My friends have all gone off and got married. Had kids. Finished medicine or have gone to live abroad. The million dollar question is where did I go wrong?
I published this 9 hours ago, went to sleep, woke up and removed it. After opening my mail, I got a note from someone I asked to read the post to get his opinion. This the note he sent (I hope he doesn’t mind that I shared it).

“so u removed it. so your blog is just a showcase of "what i think will be liked by my reading public? so the blog is nothing but a facade anyway?i am disappointed.the write up you deleted showed your beautiful and honest human side. you just unmasked yourself there and you are afraid of what people might say.. what is wrong with being honest and true with yourself and show that with others? you saw it as a weakness instead of strength.the write up you deleted reflects the real you. thats how i perceive u to be even before.. you have put on a facade to please others but not urself..i can only say so much, but please u have to realize things urself.when we write a blog we open different cans. sometimes cans of worms.its disppointing u wld rather share how you sucked a guy in the expressway when there are matters worth sharing. not everything has to be let out in public. the more u share taboo things, like things we do in bed, the more people wont take people like us seriously.”

I removed the post because it still felt a bit raw. Being disappointed is not one of my favorite feelings, and for a while there I just wanted to pretend it never happened. But it did happen, and reflecting on it now there’s nothing more I can do than move on and learn from it. You are right when you said there are matters worth sharing. Thanks for raising the point.

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