Verbally Incontinent

Judging from the recent surge in posts, one can tell I recently had a lot of free time in my hands. Too much time, in fact, that I felt myself wandering into the forest of my thoughts. All those subconscious longings, fears, and "emo thoughts" have begun to ineluctably rise to the surface. The result is a verbally incontinent me, at least until I get swamped with work again. Bear with me.

Yesterday, to temporarily distract myself (or perhaps halt the imminent madness), I went to Leyte Park to swim a few laps in their pool. Unfortunately a bunch of rowdy high school sophomores were already frolicking ahead of me, so I plugged my ears with earphones and turned the music up to a maximum, and hauled my grown up 26, I mean 27, I mean 28, year-old ass to the farthest chaise lounge.

Inexplicably, I began to feel melancholic. I remembered the conversation I had with my father the night before, he told me I should get back to work, instead of applying for Med school. He told me the most important thing was to help with the financial crisis we were having. I must say I completely understood, after all my father is not getting any younger and the three of us siblings should now be the ones to take care of financial matters. If I had the opportunity, I'd be the one to work there and have our father go home to Tacloban. Once again, it goes back to the matter that has long haunted me: I was the only one among my siblings who was disqualified when Mama had applied for immigration to the states because I was beyond 18 already during that time. What decent job here in the Philippines could earn enough to help out? My brother who is in the Navy already filed a petition years ago, but as far as I'm concerned I'm not holding my breath. Lord knows I've already done the best I could, even trying for a student visa for a US school, but I've decided its time for me to just do my best with what is here in the Philippines. I'm going to just build on whatever I can here, instead of forever working towards getting to the US. If the petition goes through then fine, if not, I'm quite content staying here. Besides, if I go who's going to manage the house here in Tacloban? Who'll take care of our 82 year old grandmother or oversee the needs of my 2 year old nephew?

Oh yes, the days of "Will I go to UP for college?" or "I'm so excited to go to prom!" are long gone. When I was younger I always wondered what adult life is like, and thought it must be pretty cool to be free to do as you please. But I'm nowhere near when I thought I would be- and I've never quite imagined one had to work this hard. As I gazed towards the other end of the pool- those high school kids with stars in their eyes- I remember how exciting those first times are when one is just starting out. Everything is an adventure. Of course, you realize later on that waiting for a promotion takes years of back-breaking work, not to mention enduring the monotony and drudgery of doing the same shit everyday so you can bring home some cash.

But don't mind me and these rants. It's the emo in me talking.