Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Hedonist Enraptured

I sent this through e-mail to some people, and so far I've had interesting responses (from males in their twenties):

Don't you think the gay lifestyle is too hedonistic? I'm not judging here, simply stating some of the things that are quite obvious: countless exploitative "indie films" shown in cinemas-or direct to dvd, massage parlors on every corner, chat rooms, dating sites, hook ups, - you name it. I'm beginning to believe that the "too much sex culture" is due either to repression or just plain loneliness.

I've done things in the past typical of any single gay guy but I asked myself: is that all there is to being gay?

I have gay friends both in Manila and in the province who spend weekends looking for guys to hook up with (and mind you my yuppie friend in manila is not single). It's the same routine over and over and apparently, they are not happy with the set-up either (nor do they show signs of stopping). I understand some people may not like permanence or commitment at all, but what do you think the future holds for gay guys given that we don't marry or procreate and form families?

What are your thoughts?


Reply 1:

I think it applies to all gender irrespective of their sexual preferences…the common misconception where gays are being equated to sex (or maybe even the lack of it) needs to be set-straight for the sake of the ignoramuses…

Honestly, sex would be the last thing on my mind when I buzz or meet people on the dating sites…I prefer a good laugh over a cup of coffee than a quick nookie…call me an old fashion but believe me it took me more than one month to spread my legs before I get to know my bf for four years…

And besides, SEX just for the heck of it could really be tiring…

Relpy 2:

yup tama observation mo. kahit naman sa straight. i keep pointing to straight guys kasi, para magkaroon ka din ng perspective at di ka lang exclusive sa mga homosexuals.

uso sa PLU ang open relationship. Dahil sa libog factor ng mga kalalakihan at madami lalaki ang hirap controlling ang kanilang alaga.

since dati, naniniwala ako sa exclusivity pagdating sa sex, ngayon relax din ako pagdating sa sex if ever na may partner ako. Naiintindihan ko na hindi ko kaya i-fulfill ang mga gusto ng partner ko. Pero ang nakakatakot lang dito is makakontak ng sakit.

I learned my lessons din nito lang, payag ako sa open relationship, pero I make sure, between sa amin ng partner ko, hindi ako ang maya maya't may bagong ka-sex. Okay lang makipagsex sya kanino kanino pero, hindi sya pwedeng mangako sa dalawang tao. If in case na inlove sya sa iba pa, then the relationship must end. It is obvious hindi ako ang kailangan nya.

Sex is just sex plus more. Depende yan sa napag-usapan nyo. If there's a need to express yourself, then do it. Sex is self-expression.

Pero sabi ko nga sa blog ko, may kakambal ang self-expression: respect

Pero if you're partner are doing the same and agree about having hook up outside the realtionship, then okay lang. Basta the partner and you must be responsible enough. Pero kung walang agreement, dun ka sa default, which is monogamy. Yun nga respeto, in short magdusa. Ito ang outcome ng decisyon mo dati pa. Kasali ito sa package.

By the way, 75% of the world societies are polygamous alam mo ba, western lang ang in denial. Pero since nandito ka sa society natin, you are free to make a choice, however you must suffer the consequences.

Reply 3:

kind of..but i have no plans naman of doing this like for a lifetime. I know that there would be a point in my life that I'll stop. I'll stop because I found someone... someone that I'd been praying and waiting..(it wouldn't matter if he/she.).The important thing is, there should be an element of 'love'. It should be mutual. I'll not commit myself to some1 if love is missing. It's an essential ingredient.

'Bout the seeking pleasure thing with guys, it's kinda normal for us gays. It's something in you. Its an urge that is beyond your control (most of the time) and at the same time gratifies you... parang compulsion kumbaga.

Pero definitely, I'll stop. I dunno when. As of now, I'll just make the most of gay life while patiently waiting for someone.:-) I just know him/her by heart.

Join in the discussion and give us your two cents on this topic ;)


Anonymous said...

i'm not sure we're too hedonistic, thaddie. heterosexuals are equally so, but it's just that we're more flamboyant about it, i guess. hehehe. and for a reason, too. i always believe that the need for sexual expression, and the graphic way we do it, comes as a necessary result of centuries and centuries of repression. if you've been told for hundreds of years that what you feel is sub-human and can get you killed or ostracized, and then suddenly the restriction is somehow lifted, what do you expect gay men and women to do? party! have sex! it has its negative results of course -- AIDS and such for example -- but there always comes a turning point in gay culture where things somehow level out. it's kinda happening in america after the gay explosion of the 1960s and 1970s (with AIDS in the 1980s as the sobering blow...), and i'm thinking the same thing is happening in the philippines, which is always late when it comes to socio-cultural trends. we're seeing the explosion now, and i feel the sobering blow coming up very fast.

anyway, to get to your other question... i can only answer through my own experience. when i was "married," i didn't party at all. i missed it though, but felt too domesticated to do it. when ____ and i broke up, i partied a lot -- not because i was looking for sex, but simply because i could, and had too much free time all of a sudden. i couldn't do the things i did when i was in a relationship anymore. so i partied. because i like being with friends, and i like dancing. when sex happens, so be it -- but sex is never THE goal in partying, for me at least. i can have the best night in my life without any sexual thing going on.

of course i won't deny that there are many gay men who only go out to look for the next partner. they are sad creatures, and i don't have the time to give pause to think about them. hehehe

as for gay men and their future... we all have our friends. and we all die alone anyway. i guess if one lives the best life one can have, the future will always be secure. you can be straight and have a family but also be the most despicable person in the world who will die alone and unloved. loneliness is not a province only for gay men. it's a stupid notion that has been passed down by homophobic generations before us. they lived in different times with different sense of morals, so it's best not to live by their rules anymore. the point, i guess, is to prove them wrong and have the best damn gay lives we can ever have, forever.

Thadie said...

@ anonymous: i agree with you when you say that in our country today, we see the explosion of gay culture- sometimes too much of it that it seems everywhere i look its around me. i even contributed to that here in my school with the pretext that i wanted people to dismiss their misconceptions about gay people. sometimes though, i feel ashamed with the "too much blatant gay sex"- well, generally saddened by the general erosion of traditional morals. i had wanted equality, but as much as possible live with the morals i was raised with...

morals that also tell me what i do is wrong, and with that are the notions you mentioned. it keeps me awake sometimes, wondering what will become of us when we grow old. but you are right, if we live the best lives we can the future will always be secure.

Brian Shane said...

I love this blog. I added it to my blog list. I will comment tomorrow on this subject. its 2am and I must sleep.


Anonymous said...


Not sure if you read this entry of mine.

"Whatever path I take must still lead to something profound and constructive.

And though there were times I let go of my inhibitions - like I am doing for this entry, it is my hope that when the real kinkiness of Darkstar comes in, it will be exercised and performed with boundless lust and so full of love with someone who is equally creative, and mightily cunning and twice as aggressive as my potentials reveal.

I am willing to wait for him to come."

- Elements of the Darkstar

I maybe at the height of my singlehood right now, but I cannot afford to just hook up with everyone and survive all the bouts of loneliness by getting laid to a guy I will never see again. Yeah, there were times some guys got around my defenses, pero my values remain. I'm already getting old and with all the health issues that abound, gusto ko naman magkaroon ng kapayapaan ang buhay ko.

I find it sad that some guys like us give up the concept of monogamous relationship. I cannot vouch that i've been monogamous in the past, but God knows how i tried to hold myself, until I had to resort to other means to maintain my dignity. Giver ako sa relationship eh, so madalas ako rin ang nauuwing sawi.

Despite my past, I still look forward to entering a monogamous and meaningful relationship in the future. Nangarap rin ako magpakilala ng isang guy sa family ko. Nangarap akong i devote ang lahat ng energies ko para sa isang tao na alam kong naroon sa akin kapag ako naman ang nadapa sa dagok ng buhay. Pardon my boundless idealism, but since I have been given a chance to start all over again, I want it closest to what my original idea of being in a plu relationship is.

In five to ten years, I see myself adopting a kid. Gusto kong i-live up yung parental instincts ko for real. Gusto ko maghatid ng anak sa school. I treat siya sa jollibee, umattend ng PTA etc. etc. I would rather be rubbing elbows with the mighty and powerful than scouring bathhouses, malls, or gay bars for a quick fix to address my libido. Kahapon may nakita akong isang 50sh old guy dating a cute twink sa Gateway Mall. Sabi ko kay DN (na anak-anakan ko) what does he think? Pareho kami ng iniisip. Hindi ko alam kung maawa ako sa 50sh guy o matatwa. Pero hinayaan ko na lang intindihin yung kalungkutan niya.

That's why I'm very supportive of PLU couples, especially the ones who's my age. Kasi alam ko na time is running out for them. I mean, when we turn 30s iba na priorities natin. Most of us simply desire to settle down and live quiet lives. I cannot assure if monogamy totally exist in our set-up, pero just for the sake of living up an ideal, I will hold my fort and keep the best parts of me untouched for that someone who will someday become my other half.

I hope I answered your question.

Anonymous said...

if you are only looking for hook-ups (ie, sex) then you will never find "the One" because your hook-ups are not looking for "the one".

Anonymous said...

kaya ba they always say dat man by nature is polygamous??? basign it on my own experience as a PLU, yah,, laging may urge to hook up with somebody else kahit na rytnow, em seeing someone on a regular basis (but we are not leaving together kc) kaya may room parin to get hook ups esp in site like g4m ( na na disolve na) and now sa pinoyg4m.com and juan4pedro.net

cguro if u have the will to be WILL to be with only one person, dat will make the difference...like d monogamous marital vows dat our parents had...aehhhe

Anonymous said...

from t:

i think it's natural for man to seek pleasure whatever philosophy he is embracing and sex is just one pleasure that man seeks. i see no problem about it as long as it doesn't interfere with other responsibilities, and/or it doesn't hurt anyone's humaneness. whether a gay relationship could last? why not? maybe u have an idea that i dont believe in marriage. i mean the "rite". couples can break up. there's really no assurance. this is the reason why that i dont have the delusion of grandeur of having a partner all my life. i live my life to the fullest one day at a time with HB. i dont have great expectations because i truly believe that high expectations can only cause misery. have a great time with ur partner and dont be afraid of the future. the present has so much to offer than the future so dont be afraid what lies ahead. just be ready and mature everyday.


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