Coming Out to a Friend

This page was borrowed from a friend's journal..
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April 19, 2001

You just wouldn't believe what I've found out today! Thad, an old high school friend, is in town for a vacation. We talked last night and he said he wanted us to meet and spend time together. It seemed liked a great idea to me. I haven't seen him for more than a year and so I agreed. He mentioned on the phone that he was "interested" in someone from Davao. I got the impression that Thad was in the process of falling in love and I was glad. Finally, my old friend has found someone he'd get emotionally involved with.

Thad and I clicked. I don't know made us both really "stick together" but I guess it had something to do with our childish ways and the way that we seem to understand each other. We were considered "babies" of the group because we were the youngest members.

It was great seeing him again and I noted some changes. He was an inch taller than I am and he gained a bit of weight. Suffice to say, he looked great.

It was several moments later after a good deal of "kumustahan" on our parts that he decided to show me pictures. I looked at some over trying to contain my excitement on finally seeing the picture of the girl who made my friend fall. I was confused, however, when I saw pictures of guys instead. Thad started talking about them telling me names and infos on the guys. Somewhere in my mind, I asked myself why he was showing me those pictures when he was supposed to be showing me his "girl," but I figured maybe these guys were his buddies from school and that Thad just wanted me to see a few of his friends.

Then he started talking about this one particular guy. I listened and observed him while he was telling me things about the guy. His eyes were twinkling. He had a silly smile on his face. And then I heard Thad say, "So, what do you think?"

I didn't know what he was asking me about. I just stared at him confusingly. And then, it dawned on me... Things finally started to clear up... His words finally started to sink in... I closed my eyes.... It couldn't be, could it?

I heard him say my name. I looked at him. I didn't quite know how to say it, how to ask him. I just stared. It was as if Thad already knew what I was asking because he said, "It's okay, Rem." I inhaled deeply and then abruptly closed my eyes. "Is he??" I asked myself.

"It's okay Rem. Really, it is." He patted my shoulder. I looked at him again. This time, with tears in my eyes! I was crying! I didn't know why I was crying about it. It could be from shock. It was a shock learning something like that unexpectedly.

"I don't know what to say..." I told Thad as I started wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Believe me, you don't have to worry. I still like girls." I heard him say with his trademark grin on his face.

We spent hours talking... I asked him if the group knew and he said I was the only one from the group who knew about it but he was planning to tell the group at a much, much later date when he thinks he is ready for it. I asked Thad why he chose me and he said it was because he knew I was open minded and that I'd understand.

Open minded meaning I won't be judgmental. Open minded meaning I'd be able to accept it, accept him, and understand him. And in more than ways than one, it was true. I was open minded about it. I didn't recoil or draw back when he told me his secret. And it isn't really my place to judge him. I don't think I have the right to do so. As long as Thad is happy then he has my full support, my love, and my friendship... always.

Touch my Boobies

The Healing

I summon you, come, share my solitude

The mirror of my fear, my hopes and my dreams;

My spirit, oh spirit, give fortitude

A lost soul floating in an endless stream.

Oh pull me from the wreckage of my youth,

Pick up the pieces of the old time bliss;

Lead my existence to the path of truth

For the rebirth of life and happiness.

But the wind from the East is still blowing

Certainly, oblivious of time and space;

I shall now stand up, my awakening

My spirit and I no longer in haze.

Truly, life and spirit are two but one,

It is where everything began.

"The Healing" A sonnet by Anamarie Cavaniero

Time for a Breakdown

One of the first things a crazy person will say is- "I'm not crazy!!" I was morbidly fascinated with my bleeding e-mails and saw the former me slowly crumble as he lived by himself in a life that was somewhere between hell and paradise. Before these words are burried in the graveyard of Yahoo e-mails, I thought it would be nice to give them a last look. Ladies and gentlemen, here are e-mails I sent to my folks, to myself (yeah, you heard me right), and to my friends. One thing to remember is.. I'm not crazy.

May 7, 2002

DEar Papa,

I hope all is well with you. Mama wanted me to remind you to prepare her pocket money for Saipan (the 300 dollars) because she is scheduled to take the exam May or 1st week of JUne. Her e-mail is not working and I'll try to get her a new e-mail account.

As for me, I apologize for this but I'm going to need help-- this time on my dental fees. Since Im not enrolled, so don't have dental coverage in UP anymore. I was forced to spend 1,000 in dental fees (x-ray, consultation, and initial treatment) and was also asked to use Sensodine in place of my ordinary toothpaste(my teeth became unbearably sensitive, and even required a 5 day treatment with antibiotics. It turns out I had an infection ON MY UPPER FRONT TEETH- two of them.Unfortunately, one of them (the worst one) is almost brown in color-- both the gum and the tooth. This was caused by the bacteria, the dentist told me, and would require ROOT CANAL to save the tooth.

This means I would spend 3,000 for the treatment, and an additional 400-600 for 2-3 x rays while they monitor the progress. I really am gonna need your help. I can cover initially ,the treatment has to start immediately (as a matter of fact in an hour I'd be going to my appointment). I will give the receipts to Tio Art, please set aside P4,000 for the dental fees. Thank you. For JUne, I plan to enroll and I'll update you on that. Hopefully I can pay my own tuition by then. Godbless!
Thad

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March 24, 2005

(thad.hinunangan@infonxx.com to greendestinyph@yahoo.com)

its not entirely bad in info. as a team manager managing a team of bull headed csrs for almost 1 1/2 years i've survived the wildest situations and i learned a lot i guess.
with that varied experience i can really say next time i can deal with those situations much smoothly.

reasons i think why you should stay: (?) until October if your parents are not able to support your plan to study full time the best option is to still finish your dimanlig and start processing your documents-- either for australia migration or work abroad- we'll see.kung euro country sana keri lang kahit anong work.

1. your contract sa house ends october thats one trouble you'll be rid of

2. in those years i've managed parang its not practical to quit now after all that trouble

3. new lead, new boss who knows where this may lead? i may not hope for the accm or senior tm position now but its another start

4. i'm used to the job and filing leaves are easy
biggest achievement so far?-- becoming tougher, and "not caring" too much if its not my fault-- hello source of stress lang yan

what kind of life are you living?

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April 3, 2005

where did it all go?? did my definition for happpiness change?

when i was a csr, things were very simple. i earned money by taking calls, i get premier pay. i was accountable only for myself. as things progressed, i got promoted and as a lead i took on more responsibilities. that was actually fun at first- being in control and being able to direct people towards a goal.(growth) so when did it go wrong??

I was happy when i first became tm. lots of perks- leaves, benefits, high pay..some of the "symptoms"-- when people would get into trouble under me, my leads, my csrs i was the one who answered for them. when that became a regular occurrence, that became a problem. i think it was around november last year- the team turned 1 year, i became involved with my defunct housemates. it was a mess, the bickering then finally i got 100,000 loan which about 20,000 was given to them to move out. i spent the rest of the money improving the house.

at last they left by january thats when i started paying for the entire 10,000 for the house. january, feb and march were also the hardest months for the team's attendance and stats. and the failed accm application took a blow on me as well.

all in all i think what finally cracked me was a combination of

1) being far from family and faced trials alone without any aid

2) financial vise gripped me tighter and tighter, with the loan, brace, and house i'm living form paycheck to paycheck.

3) to sum it up, its hard being a leader facing challenges in the office while ate the same time experiencing "growing pains" and facing my own personal trials on my own

the past few months has been really hard. but i also feel that this "era" is a turning point. i think i'm now wiser and i know what i want in areas such as-- love and desire, effort and work, and finding happiness and content.

i learned:

1. Some things can't be rushed, they have to happen in their own time, kung pilitin either you'll have a case of "biting of more than you can chew"/ or too much too soon either case, its almost always heartbreaking.

2. Some things can't be changed, and have to be accepted as it is. Don't waste your time trying to alter your looks or trying too hard to be something you're not just to "belong", if they won't like you it wouldn't be the worst thing

3. You can't make anyone like/love you.

4. Someone does look after you = ) And somehow somewhere I know he is out there and i'll still meet him one day. A physical thing is not what i want..

5. "It'd better be worth the effort"..

6. Level with people so you don't get into compromising positions..
i want a job with a sense of fulfillment, with a sense of purpose.. something that answers what am i doing this for?? money is not enough, the bottomline is..

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-----Original Message-----From: Thad Hinunangan Sent: Thursday, December 15, 2005 7:30 AM

To: Mama; PapaSubject: I have been sick for more than a week, what does this mean?

Ma & Pa,
I have been sick since a week ago till now. Here's what happened-
Mon Tue-- hectic sched- Mon 9am-3pm back at 10:15pm-7:15am mnl
Tuesday 7:15after the shift till 1pm, back in office
12midnight- 7am
Tue Dec 6-- cough
Wed Dec 7-- AM eyes red when I woke upThu Dec 8-- Consult with doctor, confirms its sore eyes; prescribes medication; sick leave
Fri Dec 9-- sick leave
Sat Dec 10- sick leave
Sun Dec 11- present with co-TMs at christmas party, feeling better eyes no longer red
Mon Dec 12- Back to work (with written certification from same doctor) continue medication
Tue Dec 13- Cough worsens, can't stop coughing in FX/ jeeps while on commute
Makati Med diagnosis-- tonsillopharyngitis; not able to complete shift
Wed Dec 14- Medication- gargle, antibiotic, antitussive; rest
Thu Dec 15- tonsillopharyngitis gone; only the cough persists

The antibiotic is expensive-- 250 a tablet.. And i'm just so annoyed I can't get proper sleep because
of my cough. Right now i'm in my shift trying to do work. Hopefully I'll be better soon.

THAD HINUNANGAN PHCC US 39 TEAM MANAGER INFONXX Philippines Inc. Mobile: +639198559887 thad.hinunangan@infonxx.com

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Jan 11, 2006

Subject: Lessons

On motivation--

some make helping their family's their purpose
some make their own family and raise them

some simply enjoy life as it happens, even without plans

why can't i live in the "now"? i should appreciate where i am now regardless
of where i would be going in the future.
one of the reasons probably was because i felt so lost- not having my family
or anyone else to lean on,of not belonging, of sometimes being treated poorly even when i was young.
i had to solve all my problems, and originally did try to follow my dreams.
my role is just to keep my family together.

The objective: 1. Grow and mature as a person
2. Fulfill my potentials as a leader & artist
3. Live a full life- well rounded, with friends and
family (relax-- they will always be there)

i have been independent for 4 years now, depending only on myself to provide for
my needs, to support and inspire me and keep me going. i'm tough and i've learned things the hard way- i've done my own budget, managed my life, dreamed and persevered to get to where i am now. i'm definitely ready to explore new territories.

even with all the trials and hard lessons i went through i hope i remain innocent with child-like enthusiasam. i want to follow my dreams and expand my horizons. and hopefully find that happiness and peace that i have been searching forever for.

on being a leader--

its not an easy job to keep the team together as there are a lot of challenges, let's keep it positive (advice to everyone) and let's be persistent. don't give up so easily-- after all the trials and the most difficult things that happen you'll be rewarded with results. nothing comes for free and no effort is ever wasted; let's continue to inspire ourselves and keep up the good fight!

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-----Original Message-----From: Hinunangan Thaddeus [mailto:greendestinyph@yahoo.com]Sent: Monday, February 06, 2006 7:52 PM

To: Jen Trasmonte; Mavic Gonzales

Subject: My dears

Can you forward my "farewell" letter to this e-mail please.. = ) I forgot to CC myself...

That's acting

After bleeding profusely from every hole in my body due to an epistaxis and hemorrhage-inducing Biochemistry final exam, I walked robotically to the nearest Globe office to pay our two months overdue bill. As if to mock my rage at having been asked to run an errand in the middle of finals week, I accidentally stepped on a huge, juicy pile of dog poo on the sidewalk.

Shit! Some of it even stuck to my slacks. Shit, shit, shit! I tried to wipe it off the pavement, but only succeeded in spreading it even on a wider area, and making the smelly, cappuccino-colored turd lodge into the crevices of the shoe.

There was no tissue in my bag, no patch of grass where I could wipe off the offending substance to, nothing except the dusty pavement. I did a sort of tap dance to try to shake off the last remaining bits sticking to my shoe- but I had to stop because the pedestrians were starting to stare. I saw a smirk on a lady’s face. Oh, she probably knew from the trail my right shoe made.

I kept walking (and stomping my right feet). As I arrived at the Globe office, I meticulously wiped my shoes on their doormat, before stepping into the air conditioned office. I held my head high.

As I sat down after collecting my number, my stomach knotted in horror as I began to get a whiff of a rancid odor. Nothing too obvious- just a hint. And then the aircon went into swing and the odor spread around the entire room! I was frozen for a moment. Should I get out? Too obvious! No one knows its your shoe! So I decided to wait a few minutes more to get my number called. People inside were already starting to look around with their faces crinkled. A man checked the underside of his slippers. I kept my cool.

“057” The readerboard flashed. Whew! I got up and handed the bill to the cashier. Her nose wrinkled as she looked at me. “Do you smell something?” She asks me.

With my outraged who-came-in-here-with-dog-poo-on-his-shoes look in my eyes, I shrugged and said “Mayda ada nakatamak hin tae dinhi.” (Someone here must have stepped on some dog feces.) I collected the change and walked nonchalantly out the door, with a secret smile on my face.

The Longest Three Weeks

The Human Cloning exhibit
"documentation" kuno
Careful..

With a nice lady.
My trusty boots.
Prowling the meat section for the Nutrition assignment..

Close kami.
With Bonbon (my right) and the guy with the sliced head.
Trineustes gratilla- my sea urchin specimen from Calicoan for the Zoology lab last year

Let me think..
Cramming.
I'm so proud of this map I rendered, I bet my Prof at UP College of Arch. would have liked it too hehe

Preparing the Chapel. (We had no other venue)
My opening remarks (in Waray-waray): "Each time I eat a morsel of rice, I think of the farmers who planted them and I feel grateful. I can speak for the whole class in saying that we learned a lot as we interacted with the community. My deepest thanks to the residents of Brgy. Victoria for receiving us..."
88.5% of families here have a monthly income below 5,000. With the hardwork that they do, I have greater respect for farmers.

Beyond the white washed steel bars are acres and acres of rice fields as far as the eyes can see.
Ahh memories of Guiuan..
This boy hits the big 3-0 in two year's time. Gulp.

Buhay Amerika at Canada

Hindi ba nakakatawa, na maraming Pilipinong gustong pumunta ng America? Isa na ako dun. Nung nagbakasyon kasi yung mga kapatid ko, wow! As in bago lahat ng gamit. Abercrombie & Fitch shirts (i-narbor ko agad!), Gucci na relos (i-narbor ko din!), pabango, at maski US Navy na shorts i-narbor ko na rin (LOL!).

Amoy America pa yung mga gamit na yun. Ang impression ng tao dito, pag galing US mayaman. Ang brother ko, nagtrabaho sa mall sa isang Candy Shop ng isang Vietnamese. Tapos nun nag janitor sa ospital kung saan nurse si Mama. Si Papa naman Nursing Aide sa isa pang ospital (Med Tech siya dito pero sa US kailangang mag-exam uli, ayaw pa ni Papa). Di ko lang naisip hanggang nabasa ko yung bulletin na yun na mahirap talaga ang buhay doon. Di pwedeng tambay. Puro utang mula gasolina para sa sasakyan, hanggang pagkain- at ang utang dapat bayaran sa tamang panahon. Kundi may multa.

Nung makita ko yung mga litrato nila sa Louisiana- ang ganda ng bahay! Yung mga furniture sa mga rooms, yung kitchen super modern, yung dalawang kotse sa garahe (wala kami ni pedicab dito sa Pinas!)… Sabi ko, as in kakarerin ko na talaga ang Nursing para ako na ang kasunod na makakapunta. Di ko naisip utang pala yung mga yon. Mas OK pa rin buhay dito.

Teka lang, magkano ba sweldo ng nurse dito sa Pinas? Sobrang liit! Ayoko ngang i-mention kasi nakaka-depress… Minsan tuloy naiisip ko kung mali na nag-resign ako sa dati kong trabaho para mag-aral ng Nursing. Chika lang, as in iniisip ko lang. Bakit ba kasi sobrang nagma-matter yung sweldo? Para marami akong mabili? Wala rin naman akong masyadong naipon dati.

Hmm, pag-iisipan ko pa. Ayan, I was just thinking out loud. Eto po yung bulletin na sinasabi ko:

Akala ng mga tao na nasaPilipinaskapag nasa Amerika o Canada ka akala nila madamika nang pera. Ang totoo, madami kangutang, dahil credit card lahat ang gamit mo sa pagbili mo ng mga gamit.

Kailangan mo gumamit ng credit cardpara magka credit history ka, kasi paghindi ka umutang o wala kang utang,hindi ka pagkakatiwalaan ng mga kano.Pag wala kang credit card, ibig sabihin wala kang kapasidad magbayad.

Akala nila mayaman kana kasi may kotseka. Ang totoo, kapag hindi ka bumiling kotse sa Amerika maglalakad ka ngmilya-milya sa ilalim ng init ng araw okaya sa snow. Walang jeepney, tricycle opadyak sa Amerika at Canada.

Akala nila masarap ang buhay dito sa Amerika at Canada. Ang totoo puro ka trabaho kasipag di ka nagtrabaho, wala kang pangbayad ng bills mo sa kotse, creditcard, ilaw, tubig, insurance, bahay atiba pa. Hindi ka pwedeng tumambay sakapit bahay kasi busy din sila maghanapbuhay pangbayad ng bills nila.

Akala nila masaya ka kasi nagpadala kang pictures mo sa Disney, Seaworld, SixFlags, Universal Studios, Niagra Falls at iba pangattractions. Ang totoo kailangan mongngumiti kase nagbayad ka ng $70+ paramakarating ka dun, kailangan mo naman ang 10 hours na sweldo mong pinangbayad sa ticket.

Akala nila malaki na kinikita mo kasidolyar na sweldo mo. Ang totoo malakipag pinalit mo ng peso pero dolyar dinang gastos mo sa Amerika at Canada. Ibig sabihin,ang dolyar mong kinita sa presyongdolyar mo din gagastusin. Ang P15.00 nasardinas sa Pilipinas, $1.00 sa Amerika at Canada, ang isang pakete ng sigarilyosa Pilipinas P40.00. sa Amerika at Canada $6.50,ang upa mo sa bahay na P10,000.00 sa Pilipinas, sa Amerika at Canada $1,000.00++

Akala nila buhay milyonaryo ka na kasiang ganda ng bahay at kotse mo. Ang totoo milyon ang utang mo. Ang bago mong kotse 5 taon mong huhulugan. Ang bahay 30 taon mong huhulugan. Ibig sabihin alipin ka ng bahay at kotse mo.Madaming naghahangad na makarating sa Amerika at Canada, lalo na mga nurse. Mahirap maging normal na manggagawa dito, madalas pagod ka sa trabaho.

Bits and Pieces of My Day

Checking vital signs of Lola Corazon. Lola Beatrice (who usually begged in downtown Tacloban) had been missing since January.
Having a meal. All smiles si Lola! Kahapon kasi, nung nag snack kami biglang umiyak siya. Our Theology project is done, but I think I'd check on her from time to time.
Gavin playing while his Mom looks on.

"What's for dinner?"
Isara ang ref!
Saying goodbye to my old black shoes I've had for three years.
President slash photocopier boy: stapling xerox copies for the class.

Sacred Heart Novena held at our house. Kainan afterwards!
Sumasayaw na.
This kid is a carbon copy of my brother.
Playing with Nanay's plants
Picking up stones from the driveway.
Gavin and Impostor, our cat.
Nanay and Gavin.