The Past, Revisited

Posting my CV made me realize how much things have changed for me after I decided to quit my job two years ago. Take for instance the last essay I wrote began with, “There I was, with six pesos in my pocket, weak from fever and cough, and my eyes squinting from the noonday sun.” Was this the same person who ate reports and action plans for breakfast, with a never ending lust for promotion?

Philosophically, I’ve always insisted that I’ve grown and matured since then, and that material things don’t matter much anymore. But they do, actually. My scruffy shoes, a hand-me-down watch from my younger brother, pants with rips on the linings (not the sexy deconstructed look, but something that came as a result of two years wear and tear, I’m afraid), my reconditioned cellular phone with the cracked LCD, and my cheap haircut doesn’t exactly spell out elegance.

I suppose starting over and getting a new career direction is never easy, I just wish there was a sign for me that I’ve indeed made the right decision. I should be thankful for the new chances given to me, yet somehow I can’t help how I feel. Sometimes, late at night, I still get to think what my life would have been if I’d just stuck around at INFO. Would I have made it as ACCM by now?

If there is a remote control that would fast-forward everything now, I’d use it. In the meantime, I have to make the most out of what’s here for me- I know that. Believe me, each day I chant to myself that this will all work out, and one day I’d be strong and independent again- not just for my sake but for my family’s. Let’s face it, my parents are in their fifties already, and it’s time for my brothers and me to take care of them.

All is not lost, I suppose. The skills I had still remain, and perhaps new ones have been added. I should feel good about that, actually. Nevertheless, a part of me still yearns for the old me in my days as a TM- strong, confident, and a go-getter, certainly no amateur at the work I did. Late at night, I still hear myself scream in my mind: “I want my power back!”