Coming Out to Mama

Fijarme Libre!
(entry dated May 2007)

“With exception of my brother, who was not at all surprised, I haven’t really come out to anyone in my family yet. Being in a conservative, Catholic family, that sort of thing is not even talked about. My sexual orientation is like a pink elephant in the room; no one is allowed to talk about it, yet everyone can see it.

It’s almost laughable how they think I’m enjoying my bachelorhood, and not getting hitched early like my brother did. They wonder sometimes when I’ll finally bring a girlfriend over. My father even went as far as giving me tips on getting a house for my “future wife” (more of these especially when he is drunk). At one point he even had three girls (who were daughters of his kumpares) come over to the house to meet with me.

That setup didn’t work out for two reasons: 1. I would never consider dating a girl, and 2. I was much prettier than any of them. I know my Mom senses it already, as much as my cousins do. They even try not to use the words “bading”, or “bakla” in my presence because they think I might get offended. I appreciate their efforts, but what I do want is to just put it all in the open- and get over it. My sexual orientation does not define who I am completely…”

And finally I came out to my family today:

Thad (I gave her the book first): “I was planning to send it to you in the US but it was expensive to have it sent via Fed Ex.”

Mama: “That’s alright.”

Thad: “So what do you think?”

Mama: (smiles)

Thad: “What do you think of me dating (guys)?”

Mama: “It’s ok. I don’t know with your Dad though…”

That simple. Then I told her everything- about my formerly secret life, the guys I date, and pretty much everything that I hid. What a relief! By this time my Tita and cousins were in the upstairs living room joining in the conversation (they also received copies of my book), my Tita said she was proud of me.

Of course I saved a copy for my father. Mama will bring it with her to the states, if he disowns me (hindi naman siguro, but I know he will be hugely disappointed in me, his first born son) or whatever, I’ll totally understand. On the bright side, continuing the bloodline won’t be a problem- I have two straight brothers and a nephew to do that job. But hey, who says I can’t father a child?

As for my father’s side of the family (extremely patriarchal and “macho”), I gave them a copy of the book as well. (I tell you, there’s nothing like using a book to come out hahaha!) The work is done baby, I’m free! Honestly, I don’t care so much how it’ll all turn out with them- I hope they’d be considerate of me but if they don’t like me… well, they probably never did so that’s fine with me.

I’m freeeeee!