Sunday, May 11, 2008

I'm Sorry I'm Gay?!

It’s been weeks since I’ve last spoken with my father and I know he’s not too thrilled with me right now. When Mama left for the US, she carried with her Papa’s copy of my book. I knew it would only be a matter of days before he gets hold of it. I know he called twice already these past weeks, and usually he would ask for me. If I’m not around, he leaves a message and calls right back as I get home from school.

One afternoon, I passed by Nanay on the upstairs sala as she was speaking with my father on the phone.

Papa? I mouthed to Nanay, and she nodded.

Perhaps he needs time to digest the contents of my book (after all it took me nineteen years to make peace with my sexual orientation) and besides, I wasn’t ready to speak with him yet. I walked past silently and went into my room.

My father and I used to be buddies. Before they went to the US, and way back in college while I was in Diliman, his visits were always a treat. We’d got to St. Jude Parish and go visit our relatives afterwards. The thing about Papa, he was such a joker- he’d make fun of everything that you can’t help but laugh at his jokes. I speak in past tense because the last time he went home for his surgery he seemed like a different person. He was hurt and withdrawn, and he became really bossy and strict. One of my brothers even remarked once that they haven’t spoken in years because Papa had the tendency to “power trip”. Whatever it is that took place in the US, I have no idea- I would ask my brothers each time they go home about what happened because it seemed like a big black hole, the events that took place just before our father moved out to work in another city, I never got a clear answer, just bits and pieces of incidents.

To a man with three boys, who learned that his eldest son whom he invested so much in, is gay- that’s got to be tough. I’d understand it Papa feels distraught. But before actually deciding on coming clean to my parents I wrestled with the idea for a long time- my freedom at the price of getting their feelings hurt.

Wait a minute. It’s not like I planned to be gay. I certainly don’t recall falling in line somewhere as a child where they would sprinkle “gay powder” on those who wanted to be different.

“Wanna piss off your parents? Tired of their nagging? Here, sprinkle yourself with Gay Powder, it’s the best revenge.”

There is nothing I could do now except wait- the ball is in his court. At one point I got a little desperate I had this urge to e-mail him, or send an SMS, or message him at Friendster. But wait, how would I begin?

Pa, I’m sorry I’m gay?!

8 comments:

jeub said...

being the eldest, i'm having the same trouble mending ties with my dad too. our differences seemed to have been magnified by my being gay.

Mugen said...

My father never found out. I'm not sure how would he handle it. But with the things that he had done, there's all the reason for me not to be straight.

ika said...

hmm...

first, I don't think you need to apologize for being gay. if he's expecting an apo from you, then that's the reaon you can apologize for.

Pero I understand. siguro nga medyo matinding blow yun sa isang magulang.

**Freaks out** even my mom still hasn't given up hope for me.

dabo said...

Never explain yourself to any one.
Because the person who likes you doesn't need it,
and the person who dislikes you won't believe it



you're tatay likes you very much for sure in addition to his love for you.. give him the space.. and all the time he needs..

Straycat260 said...

Nice artik tsong. Naka-relate ako ng kaunti though up to the last breath of my father di kami nagkaroon ng problema. Ang problema lang siguro di namin napag-usapan yung tungkol sa gender preference ko. Kung panganay ka, ako nman bunso sa apat na lalake na magkakapatid na lahat e straight except me na acting straight lang.

Exchange links tayo para subaybayan ko yung mga post mo.

Straycat260 said...

Nice artik tsong. Naka-relate ako ng kaunti though up to the last breath of my father di kami nagkaroon ng problema. Ang problema lang siguro di namin napag-usapan yung tungkol sa gender preference ko. Kung panganay ka, ako nman bunso sa apat na lalake na magkakapatid na lahat e straight except me na acting straight lang.

Exchange links tayo para subaybayan ko yung mga post mo.

Phoenix said...

@ jeub: welcome to the club..

@ mugen: mahirap talaga siguro no, joms- the situation between fathers and their sons who didn't turn out quite what they wanted them to be

@ ika: hmm some parents refuse to recognize that side of their sons and would prefer to wait for their sons to "come to their senses". i wonder how long..

@ dabo: i sure will = )

@ straycat260: salamat sa pagdaan, i've added you to my links

chase / chubz said...

i can't quite picture yet me telling my dad that im gay..
still very scary scene

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