Sunday, January 20, 2008

Coming Out, Again

Damn. I never thought there’d be a part two. It was my impression that an “emancipation” happens only once in a lifetime, and that’s that. Turns out it’s a process that goes on and on. So long as you meet new people, so long as you have yet to come clean to everybody, there will always be that need to come out.

Why not stay in the closet like some of us do? I tried that once, and each day started with a ritual of putting on a mask. It’s suffocating. I smile, I gamely eluded questions pertaining to my personal life (the quintessential “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”), and a bit of pretend-flirting with girls. It’s like rolling a rock uphill. People thought I acted weird. Of course I acted different from the norm- suppressing my personality made me hold everything back, and inside the turmoil continued.

I was ridiculed for being effeminate when I was growing up, so I thought doing good in school would at least throw them off while I fix my “flaw”. Till now, one of the greatest fears I had still remain- that if they saw me in my truest light I’d lose the people who like me, including my loved ones. Eventually the dam broke and I could not hold it any longer. I came out- twice, actually, to friends, officemates, schoolmates, and some family members.

It is a terrible burden to carry- and very few open-minded and empathic straight people would understand. Take one of my relatives, for instance. Well, he would never win the Mr. Sensitive contest, that’s for sure. His homophobic nature seems intertwined with his mean demeanor and no amount of rational, civilized conversation can ever get my point across his thick skull. He has a right, I suppose, to his own prejudice. As long as he stays away from me, that creep.

How many blogs do I have to create? How many books need to be read by people to finally get to understand me? Or maybe it’s not me. I certainly don’t have a problem with who I am, so fuck ‘em, I say. Beneath the tough exterior, I start to crumble just a little bit. I feel the need to open up once more- even to just a few more people. Yeah, like it’s that easy.

9 comments:

THE GRIPEN said...

You know understanding our kind is still in a very young stage. and people like you who have strength to comeout are heroes to the next generation who will face a far more mature society....

I'm still proud of the people who were unafraid to come out to the public....

Phoenix said...

@ the gripen: to each his own.. one must decide which side of the fence he is most comfortable with. nonetheless, i still hope there will come a time when none of us will have to explain ourselves any longer.

i said...

Your acting weird in school, really. And that gesture of yours makes you a little bit obvious. just be yourself or better yet, try to observe those mens around you and just follow what they do. Just a piece of advice. But as I observe you,you want to be free talaga... Actualy, you are not the first person to do that in St. Scho. A pionering student name ALEX was just like you. He really portray a masculine image in school but his obvious in the prying eyes of the chismosa and gays. But after he graduated. boom!!! nagladlad bigla.wahahah well, its true and baka nakilala mo na sya.=) anyway,goodluck for your coming out thad. I'm just your cyberfriend whom you can lean on...

Phoenix said...

@ i: Thanks sweetie ; ) Nah, di ko nakilala yung guy na yon..

L said...

have u meet chase already?

Phoenix said...

@ I: I haven't..

Scarlet said...

I certainly don't have a problem with who I am, so fuck 'em.
-- so true. im not in the position to give advices, because i, too, can feel (or have felt) what you're into right now. all i can say is that if you try to please everybody, you're only gonna engulf yourself with flames of insecurity and vulnerability.

it's part of being "us" - being ridiculed, discriminated, underestimated, thrown stones at, you name it. but that's what makes us BETTER than the rest. these experiences, though maybe considered curses, are things that toughen us, make us more elusive, and flexible.

my unsolicited advice is that you shouldnt hide yourself. it maybe hard being accepted by the public. but i'd rather be loved by only the 30% of the populace for who i am, than be loved by everybody for someone im not.

think of it this way.. when you're "out" and everybody knows your true color, only those who like you and accepts you will approach you and befriend you. so they're filtered in some sense, which makes things a lot easier, coz there's no need to pretend or anything..

im pretty sure you're a good guy, and that you can handle this. be tough, and stay hot. ;]

Bryan Anthony the First said...

fuck 'em alright.

what's important is that you're being true to yourself and if people, even people who are dear to you can't come into terms with who you are then one has to throw back the question if you are dear to them.

JOSH said...

Thad, in all my years, what i have learned is dat i should luv my self first and have some spirtuality with it to keep me sane, nyehehe. cumming out is indeed hard, and at least in the blogsphere, we find our best of friends like i did! :)

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