Saturday, November 6, 2010

A Weak Moment and A Prayer

One of the primary reasons I blog is having a venue where I can express myself fully without having to worry about people judging me (insert a snicker here). Though I know my entries are public, in a way, I go ahead and post them in exchange for turning my anxieties and worries into nothing more than bytes posted on a silly website. The second I hit the publish button, I feel myself purged of these emotions- so allow me to rant.

It is 43 days before the Nursing Board exam, and everyone in our review center is feeling the pressure. Being neurotic allows one to feel this a little bit more acutely- but allow me to expound why this is so. My last entry described how our batch had difficulties finishing our cases and thus filing at the PRC, I do not have the exact figures but I'm willing to bet a large percentage of our batch Chrysoberyl 2010 were not able to make the deadline for filing. Being among the lucky ones proudly bearing the Notice of Admission, we began to review for the board with our undivided attention starting last October.

Way back before review classes started, we were made to take a 500 item Diagnostic Exam (having been busy the entire summer designing a calendar, co-designing a Balinese house, and helping a friend in Butuan with an ad campaign- I had no preparation so I took the exam with just a devil-may-care attitude, I thought anyway school is over so this score won't count), and a month or so later they announced the results. Out of about less than 200 graduates/reviewees from a handful of schools here in Leyte, I got the top score with a good 20 or so points raw score lead to the next highest score after me- I kind of thought this was pretty cool so I vowed to study at least 2 hours each day and never miss a review class.

I thought I may have gone a bit over-the-top with the way I pushed myself, reading seven books cover to cover: Fundamentals of Nursing by Kozier (with more or less 1,500 pages), Mastering Fundamentals, Anatomy and Physiology, Pharmacology for Nurses, Maternal and Child Nursing by Pillitteri, Medical Surgical Nursing, Mosby NCLEX reviewer and a couple of local review books for good measure. I also did a couple of self-testing, and made sure my scores in the review exams are consistent and improving.

I may be self-motivated most of the time but may I just say this? I'm exhausted! I'm so tired of pushing myself to do better, to consistently want that thrill of being number one. Even with the preparations I'm making, it's still hard to even admit to myself that I really want to be among the topnochers in the December Nursing board exam. It's terrifying you know, when you really work your ass off and never knowing if indeed it will pay off. I philosophized that the best thing is that I do my best in preparing regardless of the result, but heck, I want my efforts to bear fruit! While I was thumbing through a reference book this morning, I looked enviously to the girl sitting a few chairs away from me who was engrossed with her cellphone, texting someone and laughing without a care in the world. Her scores are average and she doesn't give a damn, man what I would give for an attitude like that :-) Why can't I be not crazy for just a second?

Come what may. Rumor has it that the Board of Nursing who are on their last term will make the exam a tough one this December, and I know of the hundreds of Nursing schools in the country there are also hundreds of honor students all aiming to be in the "tough ten". There are a lot of factors that could affect scores, I mean I've heard of Cum Laudes flunking and that sounds a little scary.

I want to do well for many reasons- number one, the board rating is permanent and will haunt one's professional life forever, number two, I want to do well for my late mother who was a nurse- a great inspiration to me and to the people who supported me in this endeavor, and number three, I want to do well for myself because I really work hard. I have a couple of references more to go on Nursing Law and the practice of Nursing in the community, Psychiatric and Nursing Leadership... Whew! It's so easy to freak out right now, but I guess I should just keep on moving forward. And the weak moment is over.

In the end its really just a matter of faith- in God, in myself, and that my preparation was enough to pass this test with flying colors. Yes, it could happen, but in the end His will be done. St Anthony of Padua, St Jude Thaddeus and Our Lady Manaoag, pray for us all who will be taking the December board exam.

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