Esse Quam Videri

It is a Latin phrase which means "To be, rather than to seem (to be)", from Cicero's De Amicitia.  This phrase holds quite a big meaning for me, or any dreamer for that matter, who harbors a lot of aspirations.  I'm not going to complain about how hard medical school is, because that's just passe.  The initial shock had worn off, the reality set in.  I finally got my grades, and though they we satisfactory and even above average I felt that I could have done better.  Someone once told me the capacity is there, it's just that the effort wasn't enough.  But given the recent vicissitudes in my life- losing a loved one to cancer, financial troubles, I think it has not been smooth-sailing for me exactly. 

The good news is that this is only 1/4 of the overall General Weighted Average for my MD, and there is still chance to achieve the dream of graduating with honors from medical school.  Sometimes one really needs to ask oneself the values of certain things in life, really look into what is important and why it is important, in order not to feel lost when the going gets tough.  I need to perform well because my med school isn't among the top in the country, and achieving a good rank in class is tantamount to a ticket to the best training hospitals in the country.

Let me set one thing straight: all I want to be is a good doctor.  Compassionate and capable of giving the best care to my patients.  I'm running out of words to say because that actually sums it up- the hardest part is the day to day struggles in medical school.  Well, at least I am clear on what to achieve, and taking the steps toward it would be the next, most tedious thing.  But as I promised to myself and my late parents and Nanay, I'll endure all hardships to make that dream a reality.

Classes are about to begin next week, and I'm ready to face sophomore year.  This time I'm not going to be satisfied with just one or two readings. I've learned from first year, that the best thing to do is to actually summarize and integrate the lessons using concept maps and illustrations- whatever it takes.  The best part about this is that those notes are useful during midterms and finals.

Writing, leadership roles and everything else takes a backseat- besides, I don't think I'll ever lose those skills at all. I have a good feeling of this coming years because the same things happened in Nursing school.  My first year grades were not stellar- I was just among the ranks of about 50 Dean's Listers, but it was during the OB/ Psych/ Medical Surgical and clinical exposures where my grades rose steadily and finished 4th in the graduating class.

I'll miss traveling, going out with friends, and all that but as long as I have the basics: family, my partner who supports me, I know I'll once again look back and say all the effort is worth it.  Be it public speaking in case presentations, tracing and explaining pathophysiology, deciphering those slides on the microscope- I'll do it.  I'll do it with gusto until it becomes part of me, because the only way I can be a doctor is to get the MD degree with flying colors, and there is no more Plan B.