Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Short Story Preview

Recipe for a Heartbreak
(Excerpt from a short story from the second book)
1 cup sugar, melted into clear syrup.

“Raise your legs ‘cause I want to see you.”

“What?”

My cheeks were flushed, and I was breathing in short gasps. I still had my shirt on, but I was naked from waist down. I kept pressing my legs together as I lay on the bed but my lover pulled them up to his shoulders.

“No!”

“Come on, I want to see you.”

His fingers traveled incessantly. Down my stomach, lower and lower as he kissed my cock.

“Oh god.”

Suddenly he grabs my legs and spreads them as wide as he could. He licks my inner thigh slowly, making tiny circles. I place my hand on his head and try to get him to stop.

Oh god.

But I didn’t make a sound.

1 box flat dough, kept moist.

To him I was as rare as a Mediterranean desert dish few people ever tasted. I thought it was a wrong match, from the start...

6 comments:

chase / chubz said...

yikes!! this preview got me tingling all over. can't wait for the rest of it

ika said...

Since this commment would have to be moderated by you first, I'll just leave my comment here.

"Suddenly he grabs my legs and spreads them as wide as he could. He licks my inner thigh slowly, making tiny circles. I place my hand on his head and try to get him to stop."

In terms of tense consistency, these should all be in past tense. This is the first thing I learned on my Fict class. Stories are actually retellings of experiences which is why it makes sense that verbs are in past tense.

Of course, this is only generally true and there are exceptions. Some call it "poetic license." Anyway, in this case, I think changing them into the past tense would make the more sense.

Phoenix said...

@ chase: hi papa chase, i'm not posting the rest here.. = ) hehe sa 2nd book na lang ; )

@ ika: thanks for the tip = ) using the so called "creative license" (charot!) what i wanted was to use two tenses (these are two events with two different guys juxtaposed). event 1 is happening while it is interspersed with fragments of event 2. then sa may part ng climax, they merge into a single event.

haha hard to explain, pero parang ganun yung story = ) but you are right may inconsistencies pa. thanks for raising them = )

beejing said...

Thad. great compo.

Ei, link exchange. I've moved to www.ibeejing.com.

Thanks! When should you be visiting cebu?

Phoenix said...

@ beejing: I've updated your link = ) heyhey e-mail me your number para I'll text or call you when I'm in Cebu. Si papa chase din!

Rhodge said...

More thad! Exciting!

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